Confessions of a Fake Golfer

Love the “spectator sports” …you know, whether you are in the stands, at the bar, or on the couch – all you have to do is watch/eat/drink/cheer/boo. Totally entertaining.

However, PARTICIPATING in a sport can, of course, be an enjoyable challenge. Depending.

Since my aging body parts can no longer endure the rigors of skiing, tennis, and the like – GOLF seems to be a realistic option.

And more so, since we are escaping Chicago winters in Florida – we can now play year-round. Ideal choice.

Some thoughts on the game of golf…

GOLF IS AGE-FRIENDLY. Unlike other sports, you can play into your 80’s +. Perfect.

Obviously a sport that's good for years to come

Obviously a sport that’s good for years to come

BEAUTIFUL SETTINGS. Play in peace and tranquility in a natural setting. You can enjoy scenic vistas. I once went to the world-famous Pebble Beach Golf Course in California. I didn’t play there, but the view of the rolling greens and ocean from the BAR was breathtaking. (I recommend the strawberry Margarita.)

REAL GOLF HAS RIDICULOUS RULES. The REAL GOLFER’S “bible” is called the PGA Rule Book,which elaborates on the following:

• There are 34 major rules of golf
• There are more than 100 sections and sub-sections to these rules
• There are over 2000 explanatory decisions of these rules.

HUH? The game of REAL GOLF probably has the most complicated rules of any sport.

THE FAKE GOLF PHILOSOPHY. Well – I just say, “To hell with that, if I’m going to play this game – I will just play FAKE GOLF and I’ll make my own rules. Take the stress out of it, for God’s sake.

No Score Keeping. I am totally against keeping score. What’s the point? And then you are supposed to COUNT not hitting the ball and swooshing the air as a stroke? I don’t think so.

Good game or bad game? I judge the success of my game by how many balls I lose while playing 9 holes. (doubt that I would ever have the desire to play more than nine holes.)

If I lose:
• 1-4 balls = EXCELLENT GAME
• 4-7 balls = AVERAGE GAME
• Over 7 balls = TERRIBLE GAME – But who cares?

Throwing the ball. I allow myself to pick up the ball and throw it on the fairway if it lands in a thick brush, on an incline, or just about any place that I don’t feel like hitting it from, including the dreaded sand trap. Don’t judge.

TIP: Even if you are not going to bother to keep score – you DO need to pick up a scorecard at the Pro-Shop. Because, on the golf score card there is an illustrated configuration of all the holes.

If you are unfamiliar with the course, this can be extremely confusing. You really have no clue of the layout, otherwise. The consecutive holes go up, back, around, across the road and backtrack. Not user friendly.

Where are we and where are we going???

Where are we and where are we going???

HELPFUL GOLF APPS…Recently I wondered, “What if there was an APP for finding the location of the next hole? I had a momentary flash of being the first person on the planet to think of this – enlisting a Geek Squad to develop it and becoming a zillionaire! Dream on.

Of course, there already is an APP for this. There are many. Not only do they guide you to the next hole location by GPS, they enable score entry, provide statistical charts, club distance tracking, and recommend which club to use shot by shot.

The APPS work on 1000’s of golf courses AND translate to just about every language, including traditional Chinese. JEEZ.

Listen up Caddies of the World – your days are numbered.

WHAT TO WEAR? Golf attire can be a little avant-garde. Especially for the males. Gaudy pants, bright colors. Kinda fun.

TIP: WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR WHEN PLAYING REAL GOLF. My Serious Golfer/Good Friend Lorraine and her Golfer Husband live in a beautiful Florida Golf Community, they own their own golf cart, play in “by the book” leagues, and sometimes play golf every day, blah blah blah.

She has had two holes-in-one with plaques on her Country Club Wall to prove it.

So, while visiting her, apparently, I lost my mind for a moment and thought I could play with someone so infinitely superior to my pee-wee golf type experience.

The morning of our golf date, I appeared – ready to go and I realized that she was staring at me in horror as if I were bleeding from my eyeballs.

Then she said, “Are you wearing that?” Pointing to my (I thought) cute flowered T-Shirt.

As I quickly found out, there is a STRICT RULE in REAL GOLF that your “golf shirt” MUST have a COLLAR.

Who knew? Luckily, she rushed to her immense closet of endless golf attire and selected a “permissible proper top with collar” and instructed me to change into it.

Whew – that was a close one. I’m guessing that I barely escaped “death by clubbing” in the locker room for my fashion faux pas?

GOLF BONUS FOR INBIBERS. You can DRINK adult beverages while playing.

You can bring a little cooler, or, on some courses a cute young gal will catch up to you in her “beverage vendor” cart and sell you a cold one. Genius.

Golfer Pants With a Salute to the Cocktail – what did I tell you:

GOLFING HAZARDS. Once on a golf outing with My Sports Guy (who lovingly tolerates my FAKE GOLFER ways) – the following took place:

Me: “I don’t want to tee off – the people ahead of us are still on the green.”

Him: “Don’t worry, you could never, ever hit the ball that far.”

Me: “I know that I never HAVE, but what if I did and they didn’t hear me yell FORE or I forgot to yell FORE and I cracked somebody’s head open with my first power shot?”

So now I’m praying that I won’t hit the players that I can barely even see when a large GOOSE plops down on the fairway.

Me: “OMG, what if I hit that goose?”

Him: “You’re not going to hit the goose. Just aim the ball away from the goose.”

Me: “You do know that I have absolutely no control of where this ball goes and AIMING is nothing that I have mastered.”




For a moment, I envisioned carrying a limp, 30lb. Goose-Body into the Pro-Shop with profuse apologies – but luckily, I didn’t kill him/her. He/she seemed uninjured – but clearly pissed, and rightfully so.


YIKES – on second thought, maybe I should seriously think about Ping-Pong.



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