You guys! This apology letter was found in a waste basket by a third nephew twice removed on my mom’s side while he was working as a janitor in Starbucks headquarters. It was written by a senior intern in the art department and I think it really clears up this whole controversy.
Here it is:
We here in the Starbucks Holiday Cup Design headquarters want to formally apologize for offending you with our new cup design. We want to assure you that this was completely unintentional. We’re pretty sure it’s all a huge misunderstanding that we can easily clear up.
OK, see, here’s what happened. We were all totally proud of our snowflake cup last year. We felt like the gorgeous white snowflake that was drawn by graphic designer Frank Mendelson (who is also amazing at karaoke) looked exactly like how all of us imagine that big snowflake that appeared over Bethlehem looked to the Wise Men. And we all totally love that part of the bible movie almost as much as we love the part where Keanu Reeves puts on the president mask and participates in the bank robbery in order to save Lori Petty so she could be awesome in Orange is the New Black decades later.
We were so happy.
But then, sometime around October, we discovered that if you are really hopped up on caffeine and crack cocaine (which, as you have probably guessed, is the chief ingredient in our Pumpkin Spice Lattes…. the others being gerbil urine and Hawaiian Punch) and if you squint, those snowflakes look like the Star of David.
THE STAR OF DAVID!
We were horrified, as you can imagine.
Christians, we aren’t trying to take away your Jesus flakes. We are simply trying not to appear to be sympathetic to Jews. Because we TOTALLY AREN’T. I mean, can you imagine?! Like we need a bunch of people in here drinking Frappuccinos and spreading the myth of the holocaust, amiright?!
I know all about REAL religious persecution. One time I went to the zoo and I asked to see the baby ducks and they said there were no baby ducks and I was like “WHY DO YOU HATE JESUS!?!?!?!” The Jesus and the Baby Ducks Easter story is my fourth favorite story right after the snowflake and Keanu Reeves, and that part where Danny Glover says to Judas, “I’m too old for this shit” and that is why I feel so badly that we accidentally persecuted the Christians this November when we were totally aiming to alienate Jews. And Muslims. We’re still hoping to find a way to alienate some Muslims.
In conclusion, please be aware that we feel terrible and we are, as I write this, hunting down the intern who thought the ombre’ idea would be “so rad” because it would match her hair. What an idiot. Ginnifer. With a ridiculous “G” instead of a “J” as if it shouldn’t be pronounced “Guinnifer”. When we find her, we plan to crucify her on a colorfully lit Douglas Fir JUST LIKE JESUS and then we’ll see how her “Satan Cups” go over in hell!
(as a side-note, she and I only went out that one time and I was relieved when she wouldn’t return my texts and emails and drive-bys).
Unfortunately, the letter was never released because the young intern, Wendel, was fired for attempting to reveal a secret Starbucks recipe. Hopefully, now that we have all read the letter and we can see that this was just a big, hilarious misunderstanding, we can get back to celebrating Christmas – ALL. OF. US. – and the consumerism and over-indulgence that makes it America’s fave holiday and makes Starbucks America’s favorite Christian coffee depot.
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