Spoiler Alert: do not read if you haven’t seen Scandal Season 5, Ep. 12 – “Wild Card.”
“Huck. You’re one creepy bastard, you know that?” — Jake
All in all, this was a very Scandal-like episode. Which means that I have a few… issues to discuss. To make it simpler, I give you an open letter in three parts:
Dear President Grant,
Dear God, man, what is wrong with you? I get that you never really dug the whole “leader of the free world” thing (except in the rare instances where you dug it so much you murdered old ladies and gave up on your one true love), but I would think that after SEVEN YEARS of doing this job you would have some basic understanding of its requirements. Requirements such as needing secret service and not creating a scandal by sleeping with randos during a national crisis. What America have you been living in where the president can just come and go as he pleases without regard to public appearances? What America have you been governing where you believe your private life is actually private? Didn’t we already have this discussion and it didn’t include jam? Get it together, man. You have one year left; surely you can control your basic urges for that long and, I don’t know, spend some time actually running the country on your way out.
Dear Cyrus Beene,
Hey, Cy, glad I caught you for a minute. Real quick, I just wanted to loop you into some newer technologies really making a difference in politics today. Let’s see there’s Facebook, Twitter, or really just the internet in general. It’s a super great way to spread messages and create viral moments that can catapult political hopefuls into national recognition. Its also so, so much easier and less messy than hiring a man to hold someone hostage in order to manipulate a hero moment. Especially when that moment includes a second gunman, a child old enough to recognize his captors essentially being kidnapped by people who did not hide their faces or use fake names and clear video proof of the previously mentioned second gunman. I don’t know if you heard your little spy’s report, but your candidate is golden. Not only is he perfect on paper he’s also freakishly good looking, for a politician anyway. Never in the history of ever has a hot politician had trouble getting a place on the national stage. Never.
Dear Olivia Pope,
I’m gonna get straight to the point because there is no time to sugarcoat this. How many people have to explain how evil your dad is before you understand it? Every time I think you understand it you somehow forget it and go back to friendly dinners and desperate bids for his approval. You know what your father approves of? Murdering innocent people (sometimes children) for his own personal gain. YOU DON’T WANT HIS APPROVAL. Of course he’s up to something. Of course Jake is up to something. You already know he killed someone to get his NSA job. YOU FULLY KNOW THAT! How are you still sleeping with him and dining with your dad like nothing is happening? What is wrong with you? Shoot them. Both. Then you can go back to pretending your life is normal because with them gone it has an easier chance of actually being true.
Final Note: So we have Fitzgerald Grant, Jake Hamilton Ballard and now Cyrus Rutherford Beene? Does everyone have a name in honor of a former president or founding father? What a coincidence that they all went into politics.
Type your email address in the box and click the “create subscription” button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.