You know it’s a slow celebrity-news day when the biggest story on every gossip site is about Hulk Hogan’s newly released sex-tape. I mean, c’mon…isn’t everyone’s first reaction when envisioning the mustached muscle-man doing the dirty deed more along the lines of “Get it out of my head!” than “Ooh, tell me more!”. But, you know what they say…in every celebrity sex-tape there lies a valuable lesson. So here it is ladies and gentleman, the lesson to be learned from the Hulk Hogan sex tape is this: whatever you do, don’t have sex with your best friend’s wife while you are in the midst of a very public, crumbling marriage.
Doesn’t sound like a life-lesson that you will ever have to apply to your own life? Okay, let’s make it more general then. How about this: NEVER EVER engage in illustrious activities with an illicit lover if there is even the REMOTE chance that somehow they could be recorded in any way, shape, or form. This means no sexting, no dirty voice mails, no love-letters, NOTHING. Whatever you do, film, say, or write can (and most likely will) catch up to you and ruin many of your relationships with loved ones as a result. That is, unless you don’t care because you are a former celebrity whose career is about ten years past the point of “floundering” and has now reached the level of “sunk”.
Hogan claimed on Howard Stern’s radio show yesterday that he had “absolutely no idea” that this particular naked-romp with his best friend’s ex-wife was being filmed, however, I can’t help but to automatically jump to the conclusion that it’s all just a big, pathetic PR stunt. Call me jaded, but the sex-tape scandal has basically become the cliche go-to move for has-been celebrities like The Hulk who could use a little jolt of fame. And if you ask me, this “scandal” reeks of a collaboration between The Hulk and his best friend, Bubba the Love Sponge, who was apparently responsible for filming the escapade. Why would they do this, you ask? Because both parties stand to gain from this “outrage”. Hulk gets his fix of the limelight while Bubba sells the tape for the big bucks to Gawker.com.
Hulk, all I have to say to you is that if this whole debacle really is just a desperate cry for media attention, it is not a good look on you. But then again, neither is that stringy hair or bandana that you insist on holding onto so I doubt you’ll be letting this one go anytime soon!
Anyways, I don’t want to put anymore images of that unattractive, wrinkly, and most likely sagging naked body into my readers’ heads so I will wrap up today’s lesson with this final piece of wisdom: Unless you are James Bond, Jason Bourne, or some other insanely hot super-spy, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, take part in any kind of adulterous behavior that could be brought to you in an ominous envelope or on the internet later on down the road. Leave that trashy behavior to the pros.