Ten Things You Will NEVER Hear Me Say While Shopping at Whole Foods

screen-shot-2018-04-09-at-2-06-49-pmI went to Whole Foods today to pick-up a couple of things.  It is the closest grocery store to where I was located.  Now, with much in life, you need to be confident. However, Whole Foods is one of those places I am not confident.

I do not know what 90% of the items are for or do.  And to be honest, most of the products, fellow shoppers, and Whole Foods staff intimidate the crap out of me.  They belong in there and I sure do not.  I bet there is a lot of good stuff at Whole Foods, but beyond grabbing some bananas, milk, and an all-natural gluten-free organic vegan frozen “cheese” pizza, the rest of the stuff in there is over my head.

Here is a list of ten things you will NEVER hear me say while shopping at Whole Foods:

  1. “This kale chip sample is delicious!”
  2. “I can’t believe how many deals they have here. It is so great to bargain shop.”
  3. “I love that they offer child-sized carts for my toddler to ram into the heels of shoppers and store displays.”
  4. “The cheese section smells so appetizing!”
  5. “$5.99 asparagus-infused water is such a great idea! Why didn’t I think of it?”
  6. “My dinner party guests are going to love these tofu-seaweed wraps with wasabi.” 
  7. “I can’t wait to cook with this chickpea flour and camel milk!”
  8. “Excuse me, where can I locate the blueberry, nigella seed, and wild boar breakfast sausages?”
  9. “I am so glad they don’t have a Dollar Spot like Target.”
  10. “Yes, I did bring my own bags.”


Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
“Do I really look like this?” – My Magnifying Mirror Experience
Realistic Valentine’s Day Sentiments
An Open Letter To Tableside Entertainers
An Open Letter To The Hormones Raging in My Pre-Teen Daughter

Can’t get enough? Here are a couple of my pieces that were published:
Daily Itinerary: Joel Osteen’s Hairdresser, Creating Christ-like Coif Perfection, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Filed under: Humor, Insights, Parenting, Shopping

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