According to the calendar, Valentine’s Day is upon us. Not sure where the first 13 days of February went, but away they went. Now I am scrambling for a V-Day card, gift, something, ANYTHING for my husband.
I was out looking at cards, trying to find just the right one that captures the “I love you endlessly and am completely devoted to you because you are the most amazing person… like ever” sentiment, but just in Stacey Zapalac language. Nothing. All of the cards are sappy and cheesy. I don’t really communicate that way.
Because I haven’t been able to find anything, I decided to create my own Valentine’s Day card to give to my husband. Lucky guy, right? Here are some possible sentiments I was thinking of putting on the front of the homemade card for my Valentine:
- “I love you more than my iPhone.”
- “Roses are red… violets are blue… you have a nice ass.”
- “I am so glad you still find me attractive even though I have not lost all the pregnancy weight from baby #3, baby#2, or baby #1. Come to think of it, my body is pretty much ruined because I birthed three kids for you. You’re welcome by the way. As a matter of fact, don’t ever touch me again. Wait… this just got awkward. Umm… Happy Valentines Day?”
- “You look smokin’ hot in those faded ripped jeans holding a whip and ball gag. Oh wait… that was from 50 Shades of Grey. Scratch that – you look handsome in your pleated dress slacks.”
- “Thanks for not being a douche bag. Happy V-day!”
- “When I think of assholes, you are not one of them.”
- “I love you so much that I would go to Costco on the Saturday before Thanksgiving for you.”
- “If you are nice and I am not too tired I will let you touch my boobs.”
- “I love you! Now get the load of laundry out of the dryer. Thanks much.”
- “Even after all these years I still think inappropriate thoughts and some of them involve you.”
Now stop reading this blog and go spread some love. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
An Open Letter To Tableside Entertainers
An Open Letter To The Hormones Raging in My Pre-Teen Daughter
An Open Letter To The Person Standing Behind Me In An Exercise Class
Experiencing A Parental Epiphany In A Foam Pit
Can’t get enough? Here are a couple of my pieces that were published:
Daily Itinerary: Joel Ostend’s Hairdresser, Creating Christ-like Coif Perfection, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
My next storytelling/stand-up gig is:
Mothercluckers Presents… How much I hate cupid!
Feb. 22 @ 8pm
Anderson’s Bookstore LaGrange
Oh, and don’t forget…
Follow me @smzapalac
Like me on Facebook The Little Voice That Lives In My Head
Visit my wildly out-of-date website www.staceyzapalac.net