An Open Letter To Tableside Entertainers

Dear Tableside Entertainers,

I want to take this opportunity to apologize for getting a little snippy with you recently.  It’s not you… it’s me.  Well, maybe it is you.  

Listen, I completely respect your choice to pursue a career in tableside entertainment.  Whether it is amusing restaurant patrons with face painting, balloon animal development, Charles Dickens-style Christmas carols, photography, magical fairy princess wish granter, caricature artist, or mariachi band, making money doing what you love is the American way. 

With that said, when I am dining out with my family or friends, I reserve the right to dine without tableside entertainment interruptions. 

For example, thank you Mr. Balloon Animal Man for visiting my family’s table and enlightening us on the plethora of balloon animal options that exist.  Who knew you could recreate the sinking of the Titanic or Queen Victoria’s coronation with small inflatables?  However, before beginning your balloon extravaganza, I would have appreciated it if you would have asked the two adults at the table if it were ok to proceed with said balloon animal sculpting. I would have politely and respectfully declined your services for a couple of reasons. 

Reason 1:  My spouse and I rarely carry cash. We can tip you in Tic Tacs, flushable wipes, or appointment cards from doctor’s offices, but not cash.  Now that you have made yourself known to my kids, they clearly want what you are offering and we are the a-hole table that has no cash to tip you.

Reason 2:  After you craft that rather elaborate pirate sword and baboon mother with baboon baby, chaos and madness always ensue.  The sword bearing child stabs the baboon mother and child, thus deflating said rubber weapon and animals, leaving the children upset and crying.  As a result, we are forced to have our entire meal placed in to-go containers and escort the children from the restaurant in shame.

All I wanted was a peaceful family dinner involving no cooking or cleaning on my part.  I did not ask for tableside entertainment-induced bedlam. 

Carolers, magical fairy princesses, face painters, et al. (note:  you are exempt tableside guacamole person), I promise not to yell profanities at you, report you to restaurant management, and/or threaten to have your entertainment permit revoked.  However, please get clearance from the tower (that’s me) before beginning your act.  If you do not, you will be tipped a couple of screaming children and my bar tab.  

Stacey Zapalac


Hi everyone!  Happy new year!  Yes, I know I am tardy, but better late than never.  I took a little break from my blog (& social media) to start a new part-time job, focus on some freelance opportunities, take a bucket list class at Second City, survive the holidays, travel, and basically keep my head above water.  Now that I seem to have stabilized (ha) I am hoping to bring my blog back on a weekly basis.  Let’s be real, life happens and I will do the best that I can.  I just want to say how thankful I am you take a minute to read what I write and let me be a part of your day.


Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
An Open Letter To The Hormones Raging in My Pre-Teen Daughter
An Open Letter To The Person Standing Behind Me In An Exercise Class
Experiencing A Parental Epiphany In A Foam Pit

Can’t get enough? Here are a couple of my pieces that were published:
Daily Itinerary: Joel Ostend’s Hairdresser, Creating Christ-like Coif Perfection, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

My next storytelling/stand-up gig is:
Mothercluckers Presents… How much I hate cupid!
Feb. 22 @ 8pm
Anderson’s Bookstore LaGrange

Oh, and don’t forget…
Follow me @smzapalac

Like me on Facebook The Little Voice That Lives In My Head
Visit my wildly out-of-date website

Filed under: Humor, Insights, Parenting, Travel

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