Dear Person Standing Behind Me In An Exercise Class,
First, I would like to commend you for standing behind me in an exercise class. I typically stand in the back of the room. You are likely perched next to the exit door if you are behind me. I think it is wonderful you are choosing to spend the next hour with me and the fifteen other people in this class. Whether it’s the beginner hot yoga class or the barre class I got a Groupon for last week, we will be besties while we are trapped together in this very hot and very small room.
I used to obsess about what the person behind me was seeing. I used to worry you would think my ass was wide when I bent over. I would worry you would think I was a moron because I am unable to follow 98% of the workout routine and end up making up my own moves. I would obsess about you thinking I was a sham dressed in knock-off Lululemon gear and really had no business in a workout facility.
I was preoccupied with the amount of sweating I was doing, if my toenails looked unkempt, or if I remembered to shave my legs and pits. God forbid, if the intensity level got too high and I accidentally let one rip, what would you think of me then?
However, I have gotten to the point in my life where I no longer obsess about these things. The fact I am physically at the workout class is a miracle in and of itself. At this point, I could really care less what you think of my moves, or lack thereof. The only thing I really care about is if something goes south in class, that you know where the hell the defibrillator is and can resuscitate me if necessary.
If you continue to stand behind me, I can guarantee I do not know all the poses and moves in class, so do not follow my lead. My legs and pits are likely unshaven and there is a high probability I will let one rip. Stand behind me at your own risk.
I look forward to spending some quality workout time with you the next hour.
Stacey M. Zapalac,
No Longer Obsessed With What The Hell
Happens In An Exercise Class
Can’t get enough? Of course not. Here are a couple of my recently published pieces:
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Showing My (Lack of Skills) on America’s Got Talent
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