Trapped In An Elevator With Wisconsin Sen. Paul Ryan

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-10-26-11-pmHave you ever found yourself stuck in an elevator with a stranger? To kill time, while maintenance addresses the problem, you strike-up a conversation with your fellow passenger(s). You can really learn some interesting things about a person when trapped in tight quarters.

I was recently stuck in an elevator with Wisconsin Sen. Paul Ryan. I decided to take this opportunity to get to know him a bit better.  Here is a transcript of our in-elevator discussion.

Me: Stop pressing the buttons!
Sen. Ryan: No, if you keep pressing the buttons the elevator will move.
Me: If the button didn’t work the first time it won’t work on the 60th time. Kind of like when you tried to repeal Obamacare.

Me: Well… it looks like we are trapped in an elevator.
Sen. Ryan: Yep.

Me: You are not claustrophobic are you?
Sen. Ryan: No.
Me: Ok, good. Me neither.

Me: So, what’s it like being Speaker of the House?
Sen. Ryan: Like any job, it has its good days and bad days.

Me: You must be having a lot of bad days then with this Trump madness.
Sen. Ryan: It has been a challenge, but with challenge comes opportunity.

Me: Really? Do tell.
Sen. Ryan: Off the record?
Me: Sure.

Sen. Ryan: Yes, Mr. Trump has been an interesting thought-provoking candidate. However, we must move on and determine how a Republican will win in 2020.
Me: That sounds like a defeatist attitude. You’ve already thrown in the towel for 2016?
Sen. Ryan: Believe you me, if all goes according to my master plan Hillary will win.

Me: “Master plan?”
Sen: Ryan: Yes my friend… my master plan! Mwahahahaha!
Me: Don’t laugh like that. It’s weird.
Sen. Ryan: Sorry. Do you want to hear my plan? It is quite spectacular if I do say so myself.
Me: Go ahead. I have time. I am trapped in an elevator.

Sen. Ryan: I woke up one morning at 4 AM to do a P90X workout. It was during that workout I decided I wanted to be President of the United States. I knew I had to act fast, but didn’t have the $70 million dollar presidential election war chest built up. And, I had to get a couple people out of the way first.

I called my Uncle Petey, an ex-communicated Catholic priest, who just happens to know Pope Francis. Petey called the Pope and organized a September 2015 visit to the US.

I gave the Pope some carefully aimed talking points and arranged for him to meet John Boehner. I knew when that tanorexic Boehner met the Pope he would have an epiphany and retire. His conscience probably got to him.

With Boehner out of the way, the Speaker job would be mine. That sleaze Kevin McCarthy wanted the Speaker job, but I gave some dirty pics of him with that tart from his office to a big-time Chicago GOP donor and had him run with it. With Kevin out of the way, I was the GOP’s messiah. Done.

Now that things were in motion, and fools like Trump, Kasich, Christie, Bush, Jindal, Santorum, Fiorina, Rubio, Paul, Cruz, Carson, etc. were running, I needed to arm myself with help to pull off the rest of my plan.

I arranged for a super secret meeting with Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Bono, my Aunt Ellen, Gov. Mike Pence, Oprah, Gov. Tim Kaine, & Jay-Z. Hillary was on via teleconference. We weaved a plan together to take down each Republican candidate until only one man was standing. And that man needed to be Trump.

Me: Let me get this straight. You met Oprah?
Sen. Ryan: Yes, and she is even more spectacular in person.
Me: No doubt. Continue.

Sen. Ryan: We focused in on Trump’s biggest competition and worked to destroy them. We made Cruz look like Satan’s adulterous spawn, Rubio look like a vacant moron, Kasich look like he has anger management issues, Bush look like a flip-flopping whinny bi-atch, and Christie just stood there like the lying, bridge-blocking sack that he is. We didn’t have to do much with him. The rest would just die out until we were left with that orange skinned cotton candy headed Trump.

With the right cocktail of calamity, chaos would ensue around Trump. I arranged for a few carefully placed reporters and personalities I have on my payroll, such as Megyn Kelly from Fox, Tom Llamas from ABC, David Fahrenthold from The Washington Post, and SpongeBob Squarepants from Nickelodeon, to goad Trump. I threw in some hippy Sanders protesters, a dash of Black Lives Matter, and a sprinkle of illegal Mexicans, just to stir the pot. Trump continues to spout off and dig his political grave. I sit back and watch this train wreck unfold.

Me: You are not at all concerned Trump will win in November?
Sen. Ryan: Even if he comes close, I have some Russian friends who will rig the voting to ensure Hillary wins.
Me: That is illegal.
Sen. Ryan: You don’t get to be Speaker of The House and future President of the United States by being a Boy Scout.

Me: And then what happens?
Sen. Ryan: Trump looses, the pantsuit wins. I pretend to be a bi-partisan bridge-building bumpkin from WI. Then, in 2018 I declare my intent to run for President while simultaneously leaking the 30,000+ missing emails from Hillary Clinton’s Secretary of State days. In 2020 I will be elected President and then l will take over the world! Mwahahahaha!
Me: What did I say about that laugh?

Sen. Ryan: Quite a plan eh? I am like Geppetto and the Republican Party is my Pinocchio.
Me: You are one sick son-of-a-bitch.
Sen. Ryan: I know.

Me: But what happens if you don’t win re-election in November?
Sen. Ryan: Not gonna happen.
Me: Wouldn’t it be something if Trump had a grand plan to have you defeated in November?

Elevator door opens.

Now get out there and VOTE!


Some Other Fun Posts To Check Out:
Teaching Children to Handle (Chicago Cubs) Adversity With Courage, Empathy, and Respect
For Some It’s Never to Early to Talk (or Sing) About Christmas

Book Dedications:  This Is What I Might Write if I Actually Wrote A Book

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And don’t forget to read my recent Robot Butt post, 10 Chicago Cubs Curses You Never Knew Existed.  I can take credit for numbers 4 & 8.

 

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