Now that my self-imposed post-election mourning period is over, I have begun to think about what a Trump White House will look like. Our impending leader cannot take on the job of running the country without the right people in his corner providing support.
President-elect Trump must appoint 4,000 individuals to a variety of positions in his administration. The public has heard rumors about potential candidates for Secretary of State, Attorney General, and Secretary of Defense. But what about some of those lesser-known positions President-elect Trump must fill?
Here are job listings for a few of the more obscure openings specific to the Trump administration:
Director of Tonsorial Management: Licensed barber or beautician with a positive attitude needed to work full-time in a mature, upscale, and secure environment servicing a single client. Must be a knowledgeable colorist passionate for a challenge. Experience as a make-up and spray tan artist a plus. Must thrive in an environment where creativity and cutting edge styles are forbidden.
Deputy Assistant of Digital Strategy: Experienced social media expert with in-depth knowledge of Twitter is needed to manage social networking service posts. Individual must have thorough knowledge on how to delete Tweets, backtrack on statements, and issue written apologies. This is an on-call position and will require late night and early morning intervention. Individual will work closely with the Director of Presidential Communications and Director of Presidential Correspondence.
Chief of Homeland Fortification: Experienced contractor needed on-site for approximately 36 months to oversee project planning, scheduling, and implementation of a large-scale wall along the U.S./Mexico border. Previous fence and wall installation experience preferred, but not required. Responsibilities also include depositing illegal immigrants falling in the criminal, drug dealer, and/or rapist categories on the correct side of the wall. Candidate must be able to speak Spanish and English.
Deputy Assistant To The President on Climate Change: Seasoned public relations professional needed to develop and manage a public relations campaign disputing overwhelming scientific evidence on climate change. Knowledge of global warming, the Chinese language, and large-scale hoaxes imperative. Sensitivity, poise, and tact are required to present your client in the best possible light. Strong communication and problem solving skills, as well as a complete loss of touch with reality required.
Chief Branding Officer (CBO): Experienced marketer and promoter needed to ensure the Trump brand is infused into all areas of the U.S. government. The CBO will be responsible for guaranteeing the Trump logo is visible on all government buildings, vehicles, uniforms, artillery, etc. Collaborate and coordinate the installation of a 4000 square foot Trump logo on the exterior of the west wing of the White House.
With this type of presidential support, the next four years will be smooth sailing.
Some Other Fun Posts To Check Out:
Finding A Post-Election Happy Place
Trapped In An Elevator With Wisconsin Sen. Paul Ryan
Teaching Children to Handle (Chicago Cubs) Adversity With Courage, Empathy, and Respect
Filed under: Humor