The holidays are a lovely time of year full of family, friends, and festivities. Unfortunately, the holidays also bring a stressful and exhausting little man into my life. That man is Jim, our Elf on The Goddamn Shelf.
The creepy little rosy-cheeked imp wearing a suit much too tight for his physique reared its perky little head yesterday when my husband and I were putting up holiday decorations. I knew he was securely tucked away from last year’s wild and wacky adventures. However, it is still very jarring when you open a box and see that plastic smirk staring back at you. Shiver!
I know, I know… “Children grow up so fast.” “Enjoy this time in your life… they will be grown before you know it.” “Cherish the innocence, etc., etc., etc.” Yeah, I get it. I think it is wonderful and special my children still believe. (At least I know two of them do. Not so sure about the oldest. We have a don’t ask don’t tell policy in place right now.)
What I do not think is wonderful is when that eerie little pixie stares at me while I am eating dinner. I wonder what he is thinking, sitting there all smug in his tight little red suit and hat. Or when his little Elf on The Shelf eyes follow me around the kitchen as I put dishes away. I swear I saw him holding a knife once. That tiny son-of-a-bitch is probably out to get me because I have made him do so many stupid things over the years. I will be sleeping with one eye open this December.
Years back I got wrapped up in frenzy of making our Elf on The Shelf do “cool” and fun things, like go fishing for Goldfish crackers, write cute notes on the bathroom mirror, leave little gifts like candy, and do funny things to framed pictures.
What the hell was I thinking? F*** you Pinterest and your bullshit Elf on The Shelf idea boards! Now my little darlings expect to see Jim the Elf on The Shelf do fun things. It is tiring coming up with creative things for that little a-hole to do every damn night. It’s my own fault, but somehow, some way, I will make you pay Pinterest.
This year my bitterness toward Jim is at an all-time high, but I will not let my kids miss out on the “fun” the Elf on The Shelf brings. I will be documenting some of Jim’s moderately amusing substandard adventures while simultaneously trying my best not to take my passive aggressive resentment out on him. I will share a few of my thoughts and photos with you the month of December.
I would like for you to do the same. If you have any funny or horrible Elf on The Shelf stories or photos, please share them on my blog Facebook page The Little Voice That Lives In My Head or on Twitter @smzapalac. I would love to see them.
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