This blog was inspired by the following joke:
Q: How can you tell when someone is vegan?
A: Wait three minutes and they’ll tell you.
Other than veganism, here are few more things you can rely on people to volunteer about themselves.
1. They Read The Book (that a movie or TV show was based on)
How many times have you ever told your friend, “Oh my God, why did you never tell me that you read the book- after all these years of discussing the movie/show? How was it different?! Was the movie/show better?”
2. They Work Out
This one always confounds me for a few reasons, particularly when the fitness maverick informs you of their heroic deeds on social media.
- Who cares?
- If you really are fit, then people will be able to intuit that you, in fact, work out.
- The best case scenario of fitness is to surprise people with your newly improved physique. If you constantly barrage people with your fitness journal, you remove that element of surprise. At best, a friend would say, “Sure you look better, but I was expecting it.”, and at worst they’ll say, “You plaster you Facebook feed with your gym exploits, I thought you’d be a little more ripped by now.” Neither of those are better than “Wow, you look so much better than when I saw you last! Have you been working out?”
- What if you stop working out? Then you look like a fat, lazy quitter and you get to deal with people saying, “Ohhh…. So are you still working out then or….?” And that’s enough to make you stress-eat an entire box of Twinkies.
- If you are actually fit, then it’s just bragging that you work out or at least boring. No shit, you ran 4 miles in 38 minutes. You are a runner, its what you do.
- Given #5, if you aren’t fit and are always talking about your workouts, then people will think you’re lying.
3. They Don’t Drink
There is nothing wrong with not drinking, and if someone asks if you get a lot of hangovers, or how much money a month you spend on booze, then “I don’t drink” is a perfectly acceptable answer. But if you’re at a party and someone asks if they can get you a drink and they reply with “I don’t drink”, that’s outside of the scope of the question unless they’ve asked you that question multiple times.
I don’t like movies based on comic books for a smorgasbord of reasons, and I never see any of them, but if people ask me if I’ve seen X-Men or the Avengers or Superman vs. Batman, I just reply with, “No, I haven’t.” without adding, “And I’ve made it a lifestyle policy to actively avoid movies based on comic books.”
4. They Have Food Allergies
Telling someone about a food allergy is not annoying and is frankly a good idea, but since it fit the description of the list, I felt compelled to include it.
5. They Used to be a Lawyer (for Congressmen)
I’m positive that part of the Congressional Oath is to promise to shoehorn in a reference of your lawyerly past during every television interview. Examples of said shoehorning, include, but are not limited to…
“You know Wolf, in a past life when I was a lawyer…”
“When I was a lawyer, this is what my colleagues and I often referred to as….”
“What my opponents across the aisle may not know about me is that before I was a Congressman, I spent 17 years as a prosecutor….”
“Well, Anderson, as a litigator I used to….”
6. They are in a Fantasy Football League
Fantasy football leagues are like video games and auto eroticism; I get that they are fun for you, but that doesn’t mean anyone enjoys watching or hearing about your participation in them.