According to my childhood friends and parents (I’m from Oak Park), progress officially died on Tuesday. Here are the 10 things that the GOP unquestionably proved by retaking control of Congress.
1) That psycho guy on your news feed that blamed Obama for everything from trying to steal his machine gun while he was sleeping to the
faux Ebola crisis was right. Or at least he now believes he has proof he was right. IN YOUR FACE, LIBERALS!
2) Old white people love midterm elections. It’s their own little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that the young whipper snappers haven’t found out about yet. Shhhhh!!!
3) The Founding Fathers never wanted society to have birth control.
4) Fox News is, in fact, “Fair and Balanced”. They kept telling us for 6 years that the American people, despite the ’08 and ’12 elections, hated Obama and the democrats. Fox News was just a little ahead of their time. I thought you liberals called that being progressive?
5) Sarah Palin can see Russia from her front porch. Your move, science.
6) Everything really was Obama’s fault. If it wasn’t, he would’ve won this election. Wait, he didn’t run in the midterms? Are you sure?
7) We no longer have to be scared of Terrorists! Have you seen how many guns and scopes were used in Republican campaigns?!?! How do terrorists possibly have a chance if they are permantely in our political leaders “sights”? Sorry, ISIS.
8) We no longer have to worry about Ebola! Now please excuse me while I finish this doughnut and bacon for breakfast.
9) Our guns, big and small, are safe. Better luck next time, Obama!
10) And, last but not least, Jon Stewart is in fact a smug douche.