How to fail at music festivals (10 Things I Hate about You)

How to fail at music festivals (10 Things I Hate about You)

Cool recommended lists of expensive and generally poser outfits, internet.  Also, for teaching youngs how to act.  Thanks for the super advanced list of buzzwords to know when you’re standing at Kaskade pretending to know the words, realizing you don’t, and awkwardly just waiting for the drop with the basshead next to you… now you can say stuff like, “He’s goin IN!!”  You can wear a shirt that says “twerk on the chief,” while also wearing a cool Indian headdress that is so tall you block thousands of people behind you at every show.  But, you look hot, and the racism can really bring out the hues of your dilated eyeballs, so YOLO.   There are things you just SHOULD know not to do, but yet, they happen…so this is for you, you f*^~ng noobs.


1. Carry a huge stick w some nostalgic bullshit on it.  Shove those totems right up your ass.  Why would you want to carry that around anyway? Once at a show I carried a life-size George Washington on part of an old flag pole when I was tripping balls, and I’ll tell you the truth: it was so hard.  My arms were made of old melted glue, and we ended up javelin’ing it through the crowd (safely) to ditch the thing.  We literally cheered when we could fully dance and enjoy the freedom of wingspan again.   Plus, announcing stuff like “IM SO HAPPY” when you have pumped yourself full of serotonin is like- DUH DUDE.  Wait til tomorrow then call me you little teen.

2. Do tons of meth and mouth drugs so you have Summer Teeth. Sum-r-there, sum-r-not.

3. Wear a thick-as-a-sheep full-bodied costume when its like – 95 degrees out.  You’re not being chill, dude.

4. Cover your face with a mask made of hundreds of hand-sewn plastic beads they used to give away at summer camp. Not the festival, the place you go as a kid. Also, that pacifier and clothes for an infant? The pacifier thing is freaking unreal. The rave kids of yore, you get a pass because, well, you started it I guess.  But these kids now- in 2014- YOU GUYS ARE NOT BABIES.  STOP SUCKING ON PLASTIC STUFF. Wtf.  Like, why the hell would you take the time to SARS up an ear-slung plastic beads’ MASK to wear to a show?! Like, don’t you want to mouth kiss people and smoke weed?   Drink…anything?  Without being like- hold on-lemme take my mask down!!! Talking? Nope.  What?! I COULDN’T HEAR U THRU YOUR MASK OF PLASTIC BEADS WITH THE COOL DESIGN ON IT. Nice art. You people are crazy.

5. Bro out super hard with your fashion.  Tank tops on 7 meatheads +/- 1 girlfriend who is fully of molly-XXX-Vitamin-Water and is just here to dance! Wear a hat that says, “Cool story, babe, now make me a sandwich,” and slam 3, $6 Redbulls right before you all plow through the crowd to David Guetta.  Croakies and those fashion Hawaii hats are a must if you think you’re gonna get sum strange, dude..Give’r the PLUR bracelet and she’s yours.  We’ve already covered, as well as pretty much everyone, that Indian headdresses are not ok… yet they always still happen. WHY, guys? Why!?

6. Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Oh, boy.  Wear your ass as an accessory?  I’m all about appreciation of female anatomy, but jeez guys, Betty Friedan didn’t say take your heads out of the oven for nothing! Please respect yourselves.  Butts are tight, don’t get me wrong.  But, lacing up your legs with meat string and an asspocket is like… not clothes?  It’s one thing to be skimpy when its hot, but your FUR BOOTS tell me that is not the issue.  Also, it is not the same as hippies or lazies just wearing a bathing suit top/bra …this is like, planned out for months with a bedazzler, or at least websurfing, so wtf.  *The best part is at some of these shitshows, there is no camping, and you know some of these fine young women are taking the train home to the burbs after. Wearing that.  Elle oh Elle.  Don’t make us not be better than this…

7. Don’t drink water and feel crappy/not have fun bc water is for pussies.  Nope, it’s for humans. Drink a lot of it.  Electric Zoo banning Camelbaks this year is just not cool.  Aside from the excess waste from 1-time-use cups, people are way less likely to go fetch a cup of water when they need it vs. carry it with them and have some when they need it most.  I hope this doesn’t become a trend to either save the festival money, or stop people from sneaking in booze. They will always find a way.  LET THEM DRINK WATER!!!!

8.  Leave tons of trash everywhere.  It is just not ok.  If you’re too spun out to butt out your cigs and toss them later, at least stack up your hydration devices.  Beer cups, water bottles, hormone collectors, whatever it is, just put dem in da trash can, mon.

9. Be the hipster-crossover person.  I’m blaming it all on Steve Aoki.

10. Do bad drugs. Just please, please don’t.   GUYS. GIRLS.  Get to know Dancesafe.  Or get to know the people you get your drugs from.  Or just don’t take drugs. But I’m not here to troll.  This is real guys, your brain needs you now more than ever before.  So does everyone who loves you, and the medic to whom you’ll probably explain that you’re sober &  nothing is wrong when you’re foaming at the mouth in a seizure… and so on, and so on.  Moderation, abstinence…we know you don’t go to some field and pay hundreds of dollars to not get party – just be smart about it.


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    Everything you hate about raves i love. Lmao. You sound like an old fogey telling kids to get off his lawn. Ill get off as soon as im finished taking a crap on it. :P

  • Man, you have a lot of built up anger. Festivals are for accepting everyone and not getting hung up on what other people are doing. If someone wants to show the butt they work out and are proud of, they are 100% allowed to do that on the one weekend of the year they can show off their great butt. I literally laughed at, "I'm not here to troll," as you trolled literally every creativity driven element of music festivals.

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