Oh my God, you guys! Did you hear that Google invented a self-driving car??!! The future is finally here! This is awesome!
Oh wait. It’s Google. Like all Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, Microsoft and Yahoo products WE, the consumers are the product. You can bet your bottom dollar (preferably from your Google Wallet) that Google will use their vehicles to pry even further into your private life and creepily profit from information you wish were private and had no idea was even being exploited and sold in the first place.
Now I don’t expect the sales person the Google Motors store to tell you all their creepy secrets, I expect these to come out later when a whistle blower quits and leaks them. Here are a few of the creepy-ass secrets I expect to hear when that document is leaked.
1. Constant Video Surveillance
Oh sure the salesperson will you tell you they are heat sensors located in 45 strategic locations in the car to make sure you’re always comfy-cozy. But they will be located between your legs and directly above your blouse and it will all make sense once you discover they are cameras.
2. Every Trip You Take Will be Recorded
So you’re away from home from 6:25 am to 5:58 pm and you take the same route to and from work everyday and Google knows this and stores this data. This is the kind of stuff you’re gonna be thinking about when Google tells you of their security breach and suggest you change your password to be safe. Oh, and to be extra safe, try working different hours, taking new routes to work and making your house look occupied while you’re gone. You know, just as a precaution since Google cares about your privacy.
3. The Seats Will Weigh Your Wife and Kids
When the sensors detect alcohol, does that correlate with you having heavier female passengers than when you’re sober?
Do repeat-female passengers tend to gain weight? Are you a chubby chaser?
When your passengers have a wider rear-end are you more likely to drive them to a food establishment? If so, is at an unhealthy one?
Is you wife heavier than the wives of all your Gmail contacts?
After he quit soccer, you take your tween to GameStop and Papa John’s a lot more often. Is that why you’ve been getting ads for inhalers, pizza delivery places, and Clearasil?
Has your wife lost the baby weight faster than other new moms in her age range and socioeconomic status? Google is going to want to know. And they will. And they’ll sell that information.
4. Constant Audio Surveillance
Whatever is said, played, downloaded, or expelled from someone’s body will be recorded, analyzed, sent to the NSA and stored. Do you listen to R. Kelly before going over to someone’s house that isn’t your girlfriend? Google will know. And they will wonder why. Did you listen to F— You by Cee Lo after lunch with your husband? Google will want to know why and then adverts for AshleyMadison.com will start popping up.
Did you lecture your kid for getting a C- on that science test? Expect the tutoring center ads to commence. Or maybe ads for Ritalin and other mind-altering brain meds from big Pharma for your little bundle of underachieving joy.
Do you love tacos but find they don’t always agree with your stomach? Google will know when you’re a high-risk flatulent (e.g. 1 minute after leaving Taco Bell), which will alert the…..
5. Seat Sensors Will Detect Grease (and Other Things)
Google will know if you wipe your hands on your seats while you eat. And if you do, they’ll lump you in with their fat slob marketing project and kick a bunch of adverts your way for paper towels, Gas-x, Pepto Bismol and triple-ply toilet paper.
Especially after those fireworks after Taco Bell, you fat slob.