(this is satire)
It was recently discovered that Clark the Cub, the Cubs’ new mascot, is the result of an advanced-marketing scheme by Universal Pictures for the third installment of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy due out in 2023. Under this marketing plan, Clark will condition children to be more accepting of BDSM once they reach adulthood, or legal viewing age for Fifty Shades of Grey Part 3.
Tim Rogers, the movie’s advanced marketing director, was tasked with finding his target demographic and then capturing them. He explains, “Essentially, I had to find kids that I think will be open to the idea of BDSM when they get older. And then one morning my million-dollar idea hit me, ‘I’ll make it a mascot for the Chicago Cubs! What demographic could possibly be more amenable to masochism than them?!?'”
After Rogers’ Eureka! moment, he got in touch with Cubs executives who said they had been eager to market even more directly towards children- even though advertising to children under 12 is illegal in Sweden and Norway. Financial arrangements were agreed upon and finalized before a team of artists cobbled together a workable mock-up of Clark, who is perpetually Porky Pigging, a term to given to someone wearing a top but no bottoms, a daring, yet dashing look proudly pioneered publicly by Porky Pig.
Rogers expressed his pleasure with the work of the artists partly because, “Clark is Porky Pigging, that’s gonna bring attention to his crotch which is good for business as I see it. I’m hoping kids walk around ‘dressed like Clark’ and have fun like that too. Ultimately, that kinda behavior can only help create interest in my product. ”
He went to on to detail the precision of his plan to have Clark, in conjunction with the Cubs’ heart-breakingly horrible play, year after year, plant the seeds of masochism in kids’ minds all under the specter of Cub fandom,
“I also love how this cute, cuddly little guy can appear to be so sincere and loving, yet inflict so much pain and even fear but seemingly in a very calm, measured and loving way. Ideally this could teach kids about the bonding potential of an intense session of blurring the lines between loving you and breaking your excited-yet-scared heart, only to build it back up again, thereby enrapturing your heart after only he has broken and mended it. Also, Clark could instill the values of hurting you, yet you still wanting to come back for more each day. We also expect Clark will impart the absolute freedom of the soul one feels when they relinquish all control of their being and submit loyally at the feet of someone who repeatedly embarrasses and hurts them but always holds them afterward.”
When Rogers was asked if the Cubs woefully horrendous championship drought was a factor in choosing the Cubs for their pilot program in masochism conditioning he laughed, and said, “Well duh! Of course it was. Children will love the Cubs through Clark and vice versa. The Cubs may have some fun wins here and there and cause kids to love them and to stay, but ultimately, the Cubs will inflict pain upon their fans like they always have. That’s ultimately what we were looking for in a demographic.”
The previously mentioned, unnamed Cubs executive went on to mention that a huge promotional announcement for the Cubs and all three Fifty Shades of Grey movies can be announced later this year and are expected to include: a banner where the Under Armour sign used to be in the hole in the ivy, Giveaways at the door like Clark dolls in a leather Cubs jersey ( Clark dolls in leather boots for the girls) or Cubs mask, and having the Cubs announcers say, “OWWW! That hurts so good we need a safe word up in this hotel suite!” during a particularly painful moment for the Cubs.
Rumors are swirling that a stuffed Clark bear will make a cameo appearance or two in the Fifty Shades movie, but so far no official word has been released by hand or mouth.
(again this was satire. I don’t think that’s necessarily how Clark came to be)