To recap this truncated theme week:
In today’s final post of the week we are simply insulting the stores open on Thanksgiving, the turkey vultures. Feel free to let us know in the comments what stores and insults we missed.
And don’t forget to play the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Drinking Game
Bass Pro Shops: What’s their door buster? A Larry the Cable Guy talking plastic puffer fish?
Or will their door buster be a literal one: a drunk fat guy driving his pick-up truck through the front door en route to get the Larry the Cable Guy fish?
Big Lots: What’s the magnitude of how bad you suck? Big! Lots!
Dick’s Sporting Goods: Dick’s. Dick’s? You’ve got the balls to name your store Dick’s?
With that name, shouldn’t your store consist of penises modelling various goods?
JC Penney: You still exist?
Kohls: What secret enclave have you been fu&#ing JC Penney in for 30 years since I last saw either of you two?
Kmart: There’s a 90% chance that K-Mart really isn’t open on Thanksgiving, but law enforcement figured if K-Mart offered computers and scanners and webcams for 83% off on a day most people spend with families, they ought to be able to catch all the local pedophiles and deadbeat dads in the area. The Feds call this sting operation, “Operation: No seriously, Who the F&@K Goes to K-Mart on Thanksgiving?”
Michael’s: How lonely of an angry gay or crazy cat lady and do you have to be to go Michael’s on Thanksgiving?
What’s Michael so angry about that he has to punish his employees on Thanksgiving?
Answer: Jo-Ann from Jo-Ann fabrics wouldn’t f&#k him. She was too busy keeping her store open on Thanksgiving also.
Office Depot: The least necessary store possible to be open on Thanksgiving. I honestly can’t think of a less necessary store for Thanksgiving.
Old Navy: “Hey honey, our toddler barfed in the backseat all over his new thanksgiving sweater. We’re already in the car en route to Grandma’s house and it’s too late to turn back now. You know how Grandma hates when we’re late. There is a totally lame-o McMall in the uncool part of town up ahead. If only we could buy a cheapy, navy blue, zip-up hoodie with a lame corporate logo stitched across in cream-colored raggy fabric in time to replace his sweater. But I’m sure no place that cool is going to be open on Thanksgiving….. Ohmigod honey it’s a Thanksgiving miracle! Old Navy is open and our prayers are answered!!”‘
Sears: Ditto for above only replace, “…but where can we get a Die-Hard car battery. No, specifically just that brand and no other brand. Oh and I’ll need craftsman tools for the job too. Just that brand, though!!”
Staples: Are you open because you were scared Office Depot was gonna satisfy all the customer’s needs during the rush of last second 3-hole-punch Thanksgiving shoppers? With a shred of feigned compassion, you could have been the one office supplies chain to give your employees the holiday off. Doing that would all but guarantee tons of Office Depot talent would defect and work at you. You guys sound about as cool as your products.
Target: No we aren’t stodgy and lame like Wal-Mart or Kmart, we’re hip Target! But we are stodgy in the sense that we make our low-wage-earning employees work on a day designed to give people a day off work to give Thanks for what’s good in their life. Way to remind / suggest to them that nothing is good.
Wal-Mart: You know that feeling you get when you see someone enjoying the company of a very attractive pornstar? That feeling of envy you feel for the partner of the attractive person? That’s the same feeling that Mr. Burns gets when he looks at members of the Walton Family.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Workers of the world keep your chin up.
Tags: bass prop shop, big lots, dick's sporting goods, insulting stores open on thanksgiving, jc penney, kmart, Kohls, Michael's Jo-Ann Fabrics, Office Depot, Old Navy, sears, Staples, stores open on Thanksgiving, target, Walmart