In dishonor of Wal-Mart, Best Buy, K-Mart, Sears, Bass Pro Shops, Dick Sporting Goods, The Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy, Staples, Office Depot, Michaels, Big Lots, Kohls, JC Penney and Toys R Us staying open on Thanksgiving we decided to run a truncated theme for the first three days of Thanksgiving week: Crappy Holidays.
You crappy corporate turkey vultures realize you can have crazy, insane-o sales anytime you want, right? You can do it on that Saturday or Friday or Sunday or next Monday instead and still make every cent in profit you’d make on Thursday. And since working on Thanksgiving is just you reminding your employees of how thankful they ought to be to even have a job, shouldn’t you give them a day off, like say, once a year in order for them to recognize their appreciation and, like say, give thanks? Or is the only way you want them being appreciative is by making you more money?
This list will be about ways that pranksters can help disrupt the flow of sales and thereby, sabotage such classicist greed and hopefully send a message to their fat cat corporate owners (who are celebrating Thanksgiving) that this idea should not be repeated next year.*
Tomorrow’s list by DanTello will deal with ways in which employees can help send the same message to their
DO NOT PATRONIZE ANY BUSINESS ON THANKSGIVING
And if you happen to venture into a store at least have the common decency to
disrupt the flow of sales be on the lookout for these things that would be funny if they happened.
– a dump truck of manure making a drop off in right in front of the main entrance of a Wal-Mart.
– a few dozen mice and rats on the loose in Old Navy
– smuggling in and loudly playing musical instruments at Sears or Michaels. Bonus points if you play Eleanor Rigby.
– smoking in the bathroom to set off the sprinklers at Wal-Mart.
– a few people fake a seizure before the doors open at K-Mart.
– multiple windows mysteriously smashed out of Wal-Mart the night before
– a “seeing eye” dog at Toys R Us that isn’t house (or Toys R Us) broken
– a car accident accidentally takes out power to the store
– multiple toilets clogged and leaking in the customer’s restroom
– testing out a lighter and accidentally setting off the string of 200 firecrackers you accidentally placed right next to it at Best Buy. If someone accidentally screams, “Holy s#&t they’ve got guns!!” that would be doubly unfortunate.
– Get on the intercom at Wal-Mart. I did this multiple times in high school, wherever you see an employee phone attached to a pillar in the middle of an aisle just look at the phone and see where it says, “intercom”. Don’t forget the phones are designed so a high schooler/ Wal-Mart employee can figure them out. You can too.
Popular templates for intercom speeches begin with, “Attention shoppers…..”, “Attention all Customers…..” and, “I like big butts and I cannot lie….”. But you could also tell dirty joke or maybe you have some new stand-up material you’ve been looking to try out. It could also be a great time to brush up on the hillbilly, Indian or German accent you’ve always wish you had perfected.
– eat something by Chef Boyardee at room temperature, chug a warm beer or two. Then feign surprise when you accidentally barf where the check-out lines bottleneck.
– a good new– fashioned bomb threat. Old fashioned bomb threats were the kind where you call in and act like an eerily calm white psycho and inform them about the presence of a bomb hidden in their store. The new way to do it and get somebody’s attention is to use an Arab accent.
– a car through the window at 3 AM
– using people camped out in line at Best Buy as target practice for your paintball gun. Since rude awakenings tend to be funnier, why not try it out at one your way home from the bars on Wednesday night? Or if you’d rather throw water on them as you drive by, I can understand that too.
* denotes: And don’t say, “Oh, your list is just making it worse for the employees on a day they are away from their families, you jerk! Now they have clean up a senseless mess on top of it?”, and reveal you are clueless.
Cleaning up a mess made by a prankster who is down with the cause would be performed with a smile on the face of the employee because they know this will affect their bosses bottom line. Heck, that would probably be the best part of that employee’s workday.
What would be soul-sucking would be feigning a smile all day for asshole consumer-humanoids while you’re away from your family, only for your feigned courtesy to result in you handing over to your bosses a massive profit for the day, ensuring it will be as bad or worse next year.
Oh, does anyone want to bet me that during next season’s Undercover Boss will NOT feature a corporate CEO going undercover to work with his employees on Thanksgiving?
Tags: Banana Republic, bass pro shops, best buy, big lots, dicks, kmart, list of stores open on Thanksgiving, Michaels, pranks, sears, stores open on Thanksgiving, The Gap, Toys R Us, wal mart, ways to disrupt sales