30 Depressing Things About Turning 30

30 Depressing Things About Turning 30

A few years back our other writer (or “blogger” if you want to be a dick about it), T.R. Slyder, wrote a funny and great piece about the 30 good things about turning 30.  It’s uplifting, funny and a good read.  I suggest you read it immediately after this list makes you hate growing old… or just go read it right now because you’ve already clicked on this link which is 90% of my battle.

Anyway, I just turned 30, and here are the depressing things I’ve noticed.

1) Sports commentators refer to running backs your age as if they are on their death beds.

2) Everyone in the NFL, besides a few QBs, is younger than you.

3) You catch yourself referring to college athletes as “kids”.

4) Your friends start getting really into and opinionated about politics.

5) You find yourself judging people you used to like based on their politically driven Facebook posts… which is equally as irrational as posting over simplified political posts on Facebook.

6) Your social media newsfeeds turns from hot, young people partying to formerly hot people holding their new baby.

7) Your friends start having kids on purpose.

8) You cant sleep in anymore.  Even on the weekends.  So you really get to appreciate that hangover from 8am on instead of sleeping it off until at least noon. Which leads me to…

9) Your hangovers are 100 times shittier.

10) Just the thought of going out on a Friday night makes you tired.

11) You actually calendar social events which is weird because your social life is not nearly as active as it was a few years ago when you never calendered anything.

12) You adopt a dog from a rescue shelter, and pay a local hipster/artist/”nobody gets me” college kid to walk it for you because you are never home during the day.

13) You judge people who buy a dog instead of adopting.  “It’s a real problem, guys.  These dogs have nowhere else to go.”

14) You watch concerts on Palladia and convince yourself that it’s just as good as the real thing.

15) And, when you go to a concert, you are shocked to realize you are the oldest person there.  And you make comments to your friends about how sad it makes you to see these “poor kids on too many drugs.”

16) And all new, breakthrough bands are younger than you.  Like all of them.  No exception.  Apparently, unless your band name is Wilco, any chance you have at making it ended at 30.  Sorry.

17) The days of fitting in with the crowd when you visit your old college are over.  Best case scenario, they mistaken you for a 3rd year law student.

18) Almost all of your friends from college have their shit together.  Which sucks.  It’s great to have a fuck up friend to compare yourself to so you can feel better about yourself.

19) Your “crazy party” friend from college has a great job and is getting married.  Yeah, that same dude who got arrested for streaking or trying to tackle a cop car is like a “regular person”.  It’s the worst.

20) Your friends no longer have jobs; they have “careers”.

21) A few of your friends start taking recreational adult sports leagues way too serious.  Like screaming-at-the-umpire serious.

22) You get, on a completely different level, why the old SNL skit, “Delicious Dish” mimicking NPR is funny because listening to NPR is actually part of your life.

23) Kids call you “sir” or “ma’am”.

24) If you play a pick up basketball game, you wake up sore the next day.

25) Your friends get way to into their hobbies.  Wait… never mind.  Those are just your friends who run marathons.

26) You get invited to at least 10 charity events a year.

27) And charity events become one of the few socially acceptable times to get completely blacked out without anyone judging you.

28) You look like a weirdo if you wear a jersey to a pro sports game.

29) You almost never get to wear tshirts outside of the house.

30)  People are way more into wine and craft beers, and way less into Coors Light.

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  • Just wait til you turn 50. :)

  • Poor thing...your life is so rough. (It's "ma'am," by the way.)

  • You left out a big detail- for a guy, anyway, it's easy to forget all 30 items on the list. Just get yourself an 18- or 19-year-old girlfriend all you'll forget all about being 30.

  • I am 33 years old and depressed now..thanks!

  • In reply to Lashonda:

    Then you need to read the linked article about the 30 good things about being 30 to cheer you up!

    Besides, I heard the author of that list is really attractive.

  • I'm 60 so I am laughing at this list because, well, wait... Who am I and why am I writing on this blog?

  • "formerly hot people holding their new baby"

    Burn. I knew I was gross now.

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