Before I’m assailed by Blackhawks fans, I’ll get this out of the way early: You are a bigger Blackhawks fans than I am, and I’m just a bandwagon Chicago import.
However, I’m also a levelheaded guy.
Recently Justin Bieber came under white-hot scrutiny from Chicago Blackhawks enthusiasts for stepping on the ground. Sure that ground had the Blackhawks logo on it, but the question remains: If that emblem is so sacred and to never be stepped on- then what was it doing on the ground?
But it gets worse. Way worse. My sources told me that Justin Bieber several other grivous offenses in the Blackhawks locker room, and if you can believe this, many of them were equally offensive as stepping on certain parts of the ground….
1) He Used a Doorknob to open a door
I mean what??? Are you serious?? Who DOES that?? What a disrespectful SOB.
2) While Washing His Hands he Used Cold Water
Everyone with a pulse knows you never touch the cold water knob and use only the warm. Is this guy mentally ill???
3) He Used His Right Hand to Shake Hands With a Left-handed Person
I know….I know….. I think he should be put to sleep for this offense as well. How could he NOT know the person was left-handed??
4) He Accepted an Invitation to Visit the Stanley Cup
Sure, he was clearly invited to do so, but I mean who actually accepts an invitation then walks on the floor to where they are invited?
5) Justin Bieber Touched the Stanley Cup
So did damn-near-everyone I saw photographed with it in the last month. You know what means right? That Bieber is an a-hole.
6) He Didn’t do What he Wasn’t Told to do
Clearly the Blackhawks invited him to come in and view the Stanley Cup, so wasn’t it also incumbent upon the PR/Media person at the UC to inform him of the etiquette? How else would he have known?
If you’re out of the room and I watch a guy pee in your drink and put your drink back on the table and you walk in later and I sit in silence as you drink it, YOU are not the moron. The only way you could have known was if I told you. And if I didn’t tell you, I have no right to call you a moron. In fact, I’d be the moron for accusing you.
7) His Intellect Let
us you all Down
Disappointment is preceded by expectation. If you don’t respect someone, it is impossible to be disappointed by them.
So for everyone who is disappointed in Justin Bieber’s intellect, social grace and historical knowledge:
You think Justin Bieber is intelligent!!!!!!!!
And that’s no one’s fault but your own.