Don’t ask me how I got the this leaked copy of a memo from House Speaker John Boehner, just be thankful that I did. It’s 100% what I would expect it to be, except for the part that Boehner actually wrote himself, which has far fewer grammatical errors than I would have expected.
I’m a Republican in the United States House of Representatives from Ohio and I’m the Speaker- your Speaker, John Boehner. As the speaker of the house, I speak to you the orders I receive from Roger Ailes, Wall St. CEOs, War profit-ears, gun mongers and Jesus (both baby and adult).
So for the returning representitives and you’re new colleeegs, here is the list of talking points, Republican definitions of buzzwords, and general things to keep in mind for the 113th Congress. They aren’t in any partickalur order, butt I hope you appreciate them since I got a lil chocked up writing it.
– Even IF evolution exists, it’s only because Jesus invented it.
– When in a disagreement with a liberal regarding finance, refer to the United States as, “Greece” and then play up how the USA is better than Greece, and tell that liberal his name sounds kinda Greek….
– Fascism: This is an old European word that simply means, “Bad Government”. Proper usage includes:
- Mental health care for poor people? Pardon me Congressman, but that’s Fascism
- If by “Do I think the EPA is beneficial?”, you REALLY mean, “Am I a fascist?”, then the answer is “No.”
- “You know who else believed in Fascism? Stalin
- “You know who else believes in Fascism? Obama
- “You know who else believed in Fascism? Hitler?, etc.
– Stalin: That guy who was like Hitler, but had a way fluffier mustache
– Hitler: The opposite of Ronald Regan
– Gun Control: We use the Texas model where they execute the mentally handicapped. In other words, we walk in lock- step with the Great State of Texas in the belief that, if you’re smart enough to get executed, then you’re smart enough to own a semi-automatic firearm.
– Don’t pass any pro-colored legislation until we know for sure voter ID laws will be enforced
– Get familiar with this:
– Abortion: Roe v Wade passed 40 years ago, which makes that year only 10 years older than mandatory-seat-belt-wearing laws. In other words, it’s still a new concept and people are still making up their minds about it. So try to change those minds!
– Global Warming: We’ve had to soften our stance on this due to changing opinions and demographics in America. So when a liberal challenges you on this, surprise them with our new talking point, “If you’re saying living in warm weather is so bad, are you also saying that Mexicans are bad/lazy/uneducated/welfare leaches/short in stature? Because we disagree and we love Mexicans.”
– Communism: see Fascism