If your name is not Mike Ditka, it’s nearly impossible to coach the Bears and not eventually be hated by the fans. However, here at Lists That Actually Matter, we believe it can be done. So for all those candidates out there hoping to be the next Chicago Bears coach, follow these 5 tips, and the fans will love you.
5. Grow a Mustache: Chicago must be the last place on earth where heterosexual men still grow non-ironic mustaches. The blue collar, union men of this city love the Bears, beers, red meat, Beverly and mustaches. That is it. Nothing else. And these are the guy who you need to win over if you want to stay the head coach in Chicago. It’s more important than winning.
4. Hire at least one assistant who played on the ’85 Bears: Hire anybody who was rostered on that team, preferably from the defensive side of the ball, and have them just stand on the sideline with a clipboard and act intense. That’s all Bears fans need to feel good during a loss. “Look how disgusted Singletary is with the defense! His ’85 defense never would’ve played like this! If it wasn’t for him, we’d never win!”
3. Never fire anyone associated with the ’85 Bears: Lovie let go of Ron Rivera after we lost the 2006-7 Super Bowl, and Bears fans never forgave him. It didn’t matter that the Bears continuously had a top rated defense every year after or that Rivera has turned out to be an awful coach for Carolina. In Bears fans’ minds, that firing is the reason we haven’t played in a Super Bowl since. It’s science.
2. Run the ball… but not too much… but not too little… just run it the perfect amount of times: We Bears fans like to consider ourselves tough, and running the football somehow affirms this toughness. But not being able to pass the rock downfield pisses Bears fans off, so find the right mix, and don’t f*ck it up.
1. If you ever win the Super Bowl, acknowledge that the ’85 Bears were still better: Have you heard of this defense! They were amazing!