Everybody wants to have a good time on Thanksgiving, but the odds of that happening are much higher for some people than for others. Some people are bound to celebrate their blessings with a-hole relatives, while others may be gearing up for the awkward first Thanksgiving with in-laws, and others still will be stuck in town this year and will be hanging out with their friend’s friends who aren’t particularly awesome. So if you’re staring down the barrel of a Thanksgiving that will likely be awkward, and one you wish you could forget, I have a solution to help with both: day drinking.
Tell everyone at the party you’re really excited to meet them/see them again and ask if they’re up for a quick game. They’ll feel obligated to acquiesce to your humble holiday request and when they agree, walk over to the fridge or booze cabinet and break out the libation of your choice, turn on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, bring up this list and tell them it’s game time.
– Whenever the moving stage (or whatever it’s called when the “float” just has a stage with someone performing on it, pictured above) features a Broadway musical or play, take a drink.
– Drink when you hear the word, “fun”.
– Take a drink whenever someone from an NBC show is interviewed
– Take a drink if you have no idea who the ‘famous’ person(s) is on the moving stage. Drink twice if it’s someone who appears to be under age 21.
– When you see Snoopy, take a drink.
– Drink when the announcer is clearly feigning enthusiasm for what they’re announcing (e.g.. “Oh wow, what a fun and special Holiday treat this is, ladies and gentlemen! Here comes 40% of the cast of the original Twilight movie! How fun!”
– Take a drink every time someone on television says the word, “Wow”.
– Drink whenever the announcers imply the float is alive. Examples: “I hope this rain doesn’t make SpongeBob quadruple in size!”, “Spiderman sure looks like he wants to climb all these skyscrapers.”, “I bet Snoopy wishes there was a float of a big doggie bone!”
– Whenever you think, “Are you kidding me??” for any reason, take a drink.
– Drink whenever you hear, “Macy’s”.
– Whenever you see a turkey in any form, or hear the word “Turkey”.
– Take 3 drinks if you can spot the guy in the blue jacket in the photo above. He’ll be doing the same thing this year for the NCAA Legends float featuring Kareem Abdul-Jabaar and Christian Laetner.
– Take a drink whenever you think, “I can’t believe that when I was younger it never crossed my mind that this is just one big Macy’s commercial with smaller, short-lived commercials floating by on moving stages within it.”.
– Drink every time a musical performer messes up the lip syncing.
– If anyone calls it the “Macy’s Day Parade” make them drink. This is Thanksgiving Day, not Macy’s Day.
– When Santa comes at the end, drink. Drink twice if you don’t celebrate Christmas.
-Drink 5 if you remember that I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving