As the media has reminded us for the past two months, this election is going to be “extremely close”, decided by a “razor thin margin”, “up for grabs”, “neck and neck” and “come down to the wire”. And, as a result, Americans are probably going to be up extremely late watching CNN over-analyze exit polls and waiting to see whether Barack or Mitt will be the future leader of the free world. To cope with the hours ahead, you can either sit there sober and watch Wolf Blitzer ask the same three questions to the CNN correspondent standing live outside a random voting center in Miami, Cincinnati, Milwaukee, or …whatever the biggest city in Iowas is; or you can sit there and watch that very same coverage drunk!
The Wolf Blitzer Rule: If “The Beard” says “hang on” or “stand by” as he interrupts a pundit to bring in breaking election news or results, drink. Additional rule for the drunks: Every time Wolf says “wow” in reaction to breaking election news or results (usually delivered to him from John King), drink. If the news or results being reported to Wolf clearly do not warrant a “wow”, drink double (Example: If Wolf says “wow” in response to Obama carrying Chicago by a wide margin, drink double).
The John King Rule: John King is that dude on CNN who operates the large, touch-screen map. However, that damn touch-screen does not respond to Mr. King’s touch! So, every time the touch-screen does not properly respond to John King’s touch, go ahead and take a drink. This rule can get dangerous because sometimes John will find himself 4 screen taps in before he finally gets the map to properly zoom in on Columbus, Ohio. Additional rule for the drunks: If the screen’s non-responsiveness also causes John to stumble over his words, take an additional drink.
Fox News Rule: Every time Fox News vaguely accuses a polling station or group of people of vote tampering on Obama’s behalf take a tiny sip of your drink… we don’t want anyone dying.
MSNBC Rule: Every time MSNBC reminds you that minorities and women are voting for Romney at a historically low rate, drink. Additional rule for the drunks: Every time MSNBC compares Romney to George W. Bush, finish your beer.