Since Chicago isn’t a wealthy city like say, East Saint Louis, IL; Gary, Indiana or Compton we can’t afford to educate our kids.
Maybe if our sales tax were the highest in the nation we could afford such a pie-in-the-sky dream.
But that is looking upon the hole and not upon the doughnut. I’m actually relieved that our city’s kids will have all this free time. Because if there is one thing we all know for sure, it’s that school-aged kids (I guess I can’t call them “school kids” anymore) like to be productive in their spare time. So here are a few suggestions for Chicago’s newly-bored kids, that I’m sure our mayor would agree with.
1. Catch all Those Meddlesome Asian Carp
Kids love to fish and have been playing hooky for the sake of fishing since the time of Huckleberry Finn. If just half of the 404,151 (according to cps.edu) out-of-school kids caught just one Asian Carp our problem would be eradicated.
2. Fix Potholes
What little kid doesn’t like to play in the street, hold up traffic and make a mess? If each of the 404,151 out-of-school children could fix just 79 potholes, we could have well over 12% of all the Chicago potholes fixed.
3. Police Blighted Areas
What? You’ve seen Cop and Half. This idea makes plenty of sense. Our streets need all the (size 12 kids) boots on the ground we can get.
3B. Suppress Free Speech
Here in Chicago, we can’t always afford luxury items like, say, teachers, but we always have a little change in our pocket for the important things: like suppressing free speech. All those rent-a-cops we imported to forcibly suppress the (pefectly legal) NATO protests were not free, nor was all of that shiny new riot gear and sound cannons.
So if we could have the
schoolkids suppress Constitutionally-guaranteed rights free of charge we could save a LOT of money. So much money, in fact, that we might even be able to educate them about things like The Constitution.
4. Pitch for the Cubs
It’s not like it would hurt their playoff chances any. The Cubs’ playoff chances, that is. Playing for the Cubs, however, will severely hurt any individual player’s odds of making the playoffs.
5. Open a Casino
Rahm Emanuel is certain of two things: 1) Chicago’s kids don’t need an education, and 2) Downtown Chicago needs a casino. Allowing idle would-be-schoolkids to run a casino would achieve both of those; and if the kids happen to accidentally learn a little math along the way, I guess that wouldn’t hurt.
Just imagine how much money their sporstbook alone could make with a prop bet like, “Over/Under # kids who get shot that were supposed to be in school learning”.