Stupid Week Kickoff: Why it's Stupid to Think Kanye and Kim Kardashian are a Real Couple

Stupid Week Kickoff: Why it's Stupid to Think Kanye and Kim Kardashian are a Real Couple

Lists That Actually Matters is running a theme week this week. The theme is: Stupid. Today is the first edition in our 5-part soft-hitting series on things that are stupid. I guess you already know today’s topic.


Some of you probably think Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are an actual couple. You’ll maybe defend it by saying, “But I’ve seen photos of them standing next to eachother smiling!”, or, “Why would they lie about that?”, or the most feeble argument, “But Kanye dated Amber Rose and raps about sex with women all the time!”. Now, I’m happy for your opinions and Imma let you finish in the comments section, but Kanye and Kim have one of the FAKEST RELATIONSHIPS OF ALL TIME.

1. Kanye Paid Amber Rose to Keep Quiet About Their Relationship

What does Kanye have to be secretive about? Sure, we all have secrets within relationships that we hope are never revealed but those go both ways. The same reason I don’t air the dirty laundry of ex-girlfriends is the same reason they don’t air mine- because we both have collateral dirt on each other. Amber seems like she may have skeletons in her closet too, so why not just have an amicable decision to keep mum? Furthermore, Kanye is so outspoken and extroverted what could he still be hiding? Why do you have to pay someone you’re totally cool with to keep her mouth shut? If you are as rich and powerful as Kanye is, couldn’t you easily shoot down ANY rumors about you with, “She’s merely a jilted ex trying to make a buck from my fame.”.

George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio don’t buy the silence of ex girlfriends- so why does Kanye need to?

2. Kim Kardashian has no soul

Things Kim Kardashian has done for fame/money: Made a sex tape with Ray J, got peed on by Ray J in said sex tape, fake married a neanderthal so her reality show’s ratings would improve, name-dropped products on Twitter and passed them off to followers as real tweets (until she was called out on it), had multiple surgical procedures despite being drop-dead gorgeous, lied about Robert Kardashian being Khloe’s dad, and the list goes on. Oh, and her Dad defended O.J. in his murder trial- so you know she’s not too proud to be soulless for money.

Your chick she so thirsty.

If ever there were a woman without scruples who just wants to be rich and famous for doing nothing other than being attractive- it is Kim Kardashian.

And quite honestly she has done a great job with that, and I respect it.

3. Frank Ocean came out as gay (for the record: I fought off making an Ocean’s Spray pun; you’re welcome)

Because I am no authority on Frank Ocean, I have deferred to the very popular for the scoop on this one. In summary, it says that Frank Ocean came out as gay after realizing he was in love with a long-time musical collaborator. MediaTakeOut stated they believe he was referring to Kanye, citing their long-running collaboration and Kanye’s iffy sexuality.

Considering Kanye’s popularity and power, you can understand why many mainstream publications and smaller bloggers alike would be reluctant to run a similar allegation. So just because you don’t hear this one from every media outlet doesn’t make it any less credible.

4. Oh, and Kim Kardashian may have been a call-girl

There are two types of celebrity gossip readers: Those that know is by far the most credible gossip website, and those that don’t know it exists. If you’ve never heard of it but are curious about it’s credibility- please click here, read a few revealed celebrity blind items, and consider that if they were not true the author would be sued. Yet somehow this particular blogger never is.

Anyway, that blogger posted this blind item that he has not yet revealed (that post was a follow- up to this older blind item– make sure to read the comments too) and it is about two celebrity call-girls:

Anyway, these two started out hooking about ten years ago. I can’t believe it has been that long. At that time they started out at the same level fame wise. Hooker #1 had some early fame and got her own reality show and then that came and went and she had to go back to hooking. Now we are not talking about standing on street corners or being an escort somewhere. They basically just let it be known they were available for a price. Hooker #2 was jealous of Hooker #1’s early fame but Hooker #2 has skyrocketed past Hooker #1 in the fame department and now the two people who used to have the $10,000 a night combo special together do not even talk.

The commenters in that blind item are divided into two camps. Those who think this is Brittny Gastineau (as #1) and Kim Kardashian as #2, and the other camp thinks the duo is Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. But there is consensus on who #2 as Kim Kardashian. The second, and more recent blind item about these two where he refers to them not as #1 and #2, but as the more successful (Kim), and less successful (either Paris or Brittny):

There are e-mails and copies of texts from a few years ago when they were still speaking all the time about how the more successful hooker wanted to find a rich man who was good looking but in the closet. It turns out that the successful hooker hates sex. In fact, the less successful hooker says that pills are about the only way the more successful one can get through it. The successful hooker even named four guys she thought would be perfect for her and she got one of the four.

So there’s that.

I understand if you don’t believe a blind item from a blogger, but I choose to. Since she isn’t implicated by the author (just the commenters) she has no legal grounds to sue, but if it were untrue wouldn’t she denounce it on Twitter? It’s a Los Angeles-based blog and very well-known in the industry, so she and her publicist have to know about it. Plus it isn’t like she’s shy about sharing whatever is on her mind with the rest of the world, so why hold back?


5. What is Kanye so angry about, anyway?

Doesn’t Kanye seem like an angry guy- like a bit too angry? What does he have to be angry about? Even people who despise him personally love his music. I can’t think of anyone else on the planet I hear referred to as “talented” more often than I hear Kanye. Even if he dies today has made a permanent dent in pop culture since his music and style of dress are so influential. Wouldn’t that mellow out even the most driven people? What IS he so angry about?

It doesn’t appear that his upbringing was particularly difficult- he had a great relationship with his mother, a college English professor and lived in relative financial comfort. It doesn’t appear that his past or his present are particularly uncomfortable to dwell on. Is he worried about his future?

What could someone so successful POSSIBLY be so uneasy about?

6. Recap and theorizing

Here is what we know: Kanye paid his last girlfriend to keep secrets, Kim will do ANYTHING for money and fame, Kanye’s collaboration partner is gay and fell in love with his (unnamed) collaboration partner, Kim told a confidant she’d like to beard for a closeted guy, Kim could use some positive press in the relationship department, Kanye seems uneasy about something secretive.

If you concede it’s possible that Kanye and Frank Ocean were in love, then isn’t this possible as well: Out of respect for Kanye, Frank told Kanye a year ago that he was gonna come out of the closet? That way his friend Kanye would have plenty of time before the announcement finally arrives to make sure he was in an established (fake) relationship to help deflect rumors implicating him as Frank’s partner. Kanye took the advice and went looking for a woman who may be willing to make an arrangement.

That sounds plausible, right?

Of course whoever Kanye picked would have to be willing to be in a fake relationship- so that narrows it down. Aaaand if she happens to be needing some good press herself, all the better. Like maybe someone facing career-threateningly bad press that comes with what? Already having a fake relationship. But who?

Oh right, Kim meets all of those criteria AND wants to be a beard for a rich, cool guy on top of all of that.

And for how often they are photographed by paparazzi shouldn’t they look like they have chemistry? Doesn’t their chemistry kinda resemble Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley’s chemistry? When two people are in love, especially newly in love, you can spot them a mile away with all their eye contact, giggling, touching, smiling and general close proximity-keeping. In Kim and Kanye’s paparazzi pictures it looks like they just met up with eachother and said, “Hey, so glad you made it! Oh, wow you look great! Ok are you ready to do this thing and hit the streets and do a little shopping in front of paparazzi, partner?”.

Their relationship has always seemed fishy to me.


Leave a comment
  • Stupid week is thinking about any of the Kardashians.

    Except maybe the rumor that OJ is Khloe's father.

  • LOL! Hilarious (and eeerily true.)

  • In reply to Kay S:

    Thanks Kay! I enjoyed your article about Buyers Rahm-orse, so to speak. Keep up the great work.

  • she's awesome!

  • If it is fake, she can use being a ho for someone who will appreciate it..... I know someone.

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