Five Signs You're Way Too Excited About The Dark Knight Rises

Christopher Nolan’s third and final Batman movie “The Dark Knight Rises” was released today and with it, all hope of a return to Bat Nipples is lost. Damn you and your dark humanizing of the franchise, Nolan! Joel Schumacher must be rolling in his grave, the one that I assume he sleeps in while wearing a bodysuit with pronounced rubber nipples. But despite that glaring plot hole, excitement and anticipation for “The Dark Knight Rises” couldn’t be higher. It seems like everyone is going to see this movie, even that lady in your office that asks if Batman is the one that changes into his “costume” in a phone booth. (Snort! What a loser!) These movies have had the rare ability to stir up a feverish interest that reaches beyond the requisite nerds-in-costume to also capture nerds not in costumes, yuppies, hippies, hipsters, hipster doofuses, dweebs, geeks, spazes, and nerds that like to pretend that they’re not nerds (roughly 90% of the population). So the question then becomes, would casting Bieber as Robin finally lend this trilogy some legitimacy? Wait, that’s not right. The question becomes, are you too excited for “The Dark Knight Rises”?

You speak to everyone in the Batman voice. Oh, now I have your attention, every worker at the post office?

You’ve started shooting family videos in IMAX. It will all be worth it when you edit down the 19 hours of footage you shot and see your baby gumming a cracker in crystal clear resolution.

You have conversations as though these people actually exist. That may be true, but there are many similarities between Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne. The difference between the good and the evil in Gotham City is so slim that sometimes the line gets blurred. It’s like Batman said, “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Or as my wife said when we had this same conversation, “Shut up.”

You refer to the trailers in the order in which they were released. Yeah, this could go in a lot of different directions. Will it follow the graphic novels or is this its own conclusion to the story? Based on the third trailer I’d say it follows the graphic novels. But the fifth trailer then made me question that. The differences are subtle, but they’re there if you’re looking for them. What’s that? You were actually just asking for directions? Well, thanks for wasting my time, asshole.

You disappear mid-conversation. But on the plus side, no awkward silences or transitions. At least, not that you’ll be there for.

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