Someone once said, “Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?” Which is a stupid question obviously posed by someone whose check engine light never went on. The answer, of course, is that in lieu of taking time out of your day to do boring things like fixing that exhaust leak, you could instead be feasting on the frosted cookie cake that has suddenly and unexpectedly replaced your steering wheel. The quote can be attributed to either Thomas Jefferson, Mark Twain or Alfred, Batman’s butler, depending on which Google search result you choose to believe. I know because I looked it up instead of working on this list. It was much easier, and also resulted in an additional hour of time well spent on Alfred fact finding. Did you know his full name is Alfred Thaddeus Crane Pennyworth? Fascinating! Do you have anything else you’d like me to look up for you? Seriously, anything else at all? I have time, unless you consider not yet having completed my taxes to be more important. Truth is, no matter how much time we have to do something, we almost always have time to put it off. So continue to ignore the work you should be doing today and take some time to drag your feet through these other signs of procrastination.
Checking Facebook. Just because it’s obvious doesn’t make it any less true. Although I’m not sure it’s really procrastinating when there’s so much vital information to be gleaned.
Constantly updating your Netflix queue. You’ve been thinking about moving season 2 of “Quantum Leap” ahead of “Cop Land” for a long time and just haven’t gotten around to it. Now seems like the time, as this is far more important than bathing your children.
Checking your phone. I haven’t noticed my phone making any noises recently. I probably just missed them. I mean, someone has to have called me since I last checked seven minutes ago. Oh, no missed calls. Well, surely I have a few texts from my friends to read. Huh, nothing. Let me just check my settings again anyway to make sure I’m not on silent. Nope, ringer is on. Just in case, I think I’ll change it to the robot sound to be sure I’m ready the next time it goes off. Now let me check my text alert. Duck quack? What was I thinking? I need to listen to each one of these options right now and decide which one is best. Hey, you know what I just thought of? My friends must have emailed me. How silly of me. I’ll check that. Nothing there, either. Oh, you know what? They must have emailed my AOL account. I don’t check that one anymore, idiots! But let me just sign in to that account to double check. Oops, forgot my password. I’ll just have them send it to my other address. Oh, hey, look at that. I have an email. See, I knew I wasn’t crazy!
Taking an interest in your loved ones’ lives. What’re you doing there, sport? Math homework? Sure, I can help. Oh, hey, long division, huh? Um, you know, all the answers are in the back of the book. Now finish up and let’s play Xbox.
Watching TV channels you normally wouldn’t. Oh, excuse me for trying to expand my horizons. Guess I should’ve known better than to try to get a little culture. Fine, I’ll turn off the Spice Channel, mother.
Offering to help with something you regularly avoid. In a paradoxical twist, you often avoid doing one thing that you don’t want to do by doing another thing that, in different circumstances, would be the very thing that you were trying to avoid. That’s how I somehow end up going to the dentist any time there’s a load of laundry to be folded.
Checking the fridge. Now last time I got up, all we had was baking soda, but something tells me 19th time’s a charm.
Reading a list about procrastinating. Man, you are desperate.
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