10 Substitutes for True Love

10 Substitutes for True Love
We're dead inside...

Back in 1967, the Beatles declared to the world, “All you need is love.” Given the fact that they were decades away from streaming on Netflix or eating a Pizza Hut P’zone, who can blame them for their simplistic ignorance? And maybe if the Fab Four had ever experienced the true love of spellcheck, those morons would’ve known how to spell the word beetle correctly.

Luckily, in this day and age, there are plenty of ways to experience higher forms of happiness without the daily distraction of true love.  And while the greeting card industry may try to force feed you the importance of human connections, here are a few simple replacements for the outdated and primitive experience we call “true love.”

Lots of money
If somebody tells you money can’t buy happiness, it’s because they’re poor and unhappy.

Being an asshole to everyone
The only thing better than being loved by one person is being hated by every person.

It’s just like a monogamous marriage, only it works.

High definition TVs
Too bad love is blind, because my Blu-Ray edition of Congo on a 55″ plasma-screen would blow its stupid mind.

Anything covered in Lawry’s Seasoned Salt
It’s literally the closest thing to a miracle.

More money

Emotional/physical isolation
After all, who really needs people/things?

Wart removal cream
If I could, I’d put this stuff on crackers. Unfortunately, I’m out of crackers.

Seeing somebody fall down the stairs

The Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine
My wife bought me one, and I’ve never been happier.


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Filed under: Advice, Love

Tags: substitutes for true love

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