Eight Things To Consider Before Moving

Eight Things To Consider Before Moving
I hope you choke.

Thinking about moving? Yeah, don’t. Ever. Stay exactly where you are no matter the circumstances or number of harshly worded eviction notices you receive. Space constraints? You’d be surprised how many children can sleep comfortably in a bathtub. Even more so if it’s empty. Fact is, no matter the distance, moving sucks. It blows. It’s terrible. Horrible. Awful. Say it however you want, we all know it’s true. Yet there always comes a point where you’re far enough removed from your last one that you forget just how bad it was and start to think about undertaking the exercise again. It’s like childbirth (I’ve heard), only with more wailing. So before the moving bug bites you again, there are a few things you should consider.

You have entirely too much stuff. My wife and I moved recently. Movers packed us up, so the fun began as we unpacked. I found that we have more roasting pans (5) than there are people living in our house (2). We have three times as many candlesticks—and roughly ten times as many candles. We have an extra DVD player. Never know when you’re going to need one of those. The amount of extension cords and power strips we own is obnoxious. I could run them through the house, up the stairs and out to the street twice. There’s no reason for it; it’s a sickness. To this point in my life, plugs have always been in ample supply. Also, as far as I can see, this electricity fad shows no signs of losing popularity. And yet…there they are, balled up in the same milk crate I’ve had them in since college. Every moving day I stumble upon them and think that it’s time to get rid of the majority of them. But then my mind starts to race. What if the new place only has one plug? How could I have missed such a vital detail?! I’ll need them. I’ll need all of them! Without them, I’d have to go buy a new cord at a hardware store like an idiot. Why, that could cost me upwards of $6.95. Not in this economy.

Do your neighbors require a password for their WiFi? Losers. How do they expect you to steal copyrighted material if they won’t allow you to steal their Internet connection? It goes against everything the Internet stands for.

Lifting shit is the worst. That’s the most intelligent way I can think of to express this. Think you’ll just hire movers? That’ll help. But you’re still going to end up lifting plenty of furniture and boxes. (The boxes, my God the boxes.) Movers just bring your stuff into the house and drop it in the general vicinity of where you think it should go based on whatever inscrutable scribbling is on the side of the box. “Oh, ‘doortoaster/Q/near/8back front grilled desk chicken’? That goes…somewhere.” Then they drink your water, eat your donuts and leave you to fend for yourself in the cardboard jungle. That’s when you open up a box in your bedroom only to find that it’s full of kitchen stuff or change your mind and decide that the pull out couch should go downstairs. To counteract this, I’ve always wanted to get those discs that allow you to push furniture around the house like you’re on PCP. Or take some PCP. One of the two.

Changing your mailing address could result in missed Coldwater Creek catalogs and letters so important that they have to be addressed to you under a pseudonym. Isn’t that right, Safe Driver? Or should I call you Resident?

You may be moving outside of your Chinese restaurant’s delivery zone. Once you find a Chinese place that you like and are confident in its consistency, it’s a big decision to give that up. It could take years of failed Mongolian Beef to get that connection back. Which—according to my Asian friend whom I will call upon as proof of my innocence should I ever be accused of being a racist—would be a Chinese food death sentence for a white person. But we’re a proud and persevering people, we Caucasians. We’ve survived generations despite innumerable slight inconveniences. So if we have to get by on General Tso’s Chicken, we will.

You have entirely too many books.

Think of the children. Depending on the distance you’re moving, the process can be very tough on children. Mainly because of their frail, ineffective little arms and narrow backs that make their contributions toward carrying a pull out couch down stairs minimal at best.

How far will your residence be from public transportation, shopping, restaurants and nightlife? The good news is, as long as you’re looking on earth, it seems like it will be just steps, if—as we’ve discussed before—every property description ever written is accurate. And I see no reason why that wouldn’t be the case. What would someone have to gain by lying?

Like us on Facebook. We’ll totally help you move next time.


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  • In the middle of it right now - after 22 years. Imagine the shit I have accumulated. Two full evenings just to pack the five set of china. And I haven't even left the dining room yet.

    Cute post, some very relatable items!!!

  • Lifting shit is seriously the WORST. Just moved and will never, ever do it again (chronicled here: http://hostonpost.blogspot.com). How many kids can comfortably sleep in a stand-up shower?

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