A few words of advice to the graduating class of 2012 from Dan P, the assistant professor of partying all/some of the time.
I’d like to congratulate the class of 2012 and welcome them to the work world. As much fun as college was, you unfortunately cannot make a career out of chugging booze, creeping out women, and dressing like an asshole. That career has been reserved exclusively for Skeet Ulrich. But just because you’ve graduated, it doesn’t mean you have to enter the Squaresville city limits. Here are just a few ways that you can easily adapt to the work world, while proving to all the shirt-tuckers around the office that you’re still the BMOC.
Be sure to hang that sweet black light poster in your cubicle. Studies show a rise in productivity when workers have a constant reminder that it is, in fact, 4:20 somewhere.
Boost morale by doing the occasional keg stand from the coffee dispenser. You may experience first-degree burns to your mouth, but you’ll also experience unprecedented street cred around the office.
Never be afraid to call payroll and just ask for some more money. As long as you let them know that you totally plan to pay them back there really shouldn’t be a problem.
Defecating on the floor of the restroom is still a classic prank. Just ask any custodian.
If you hook up with a coworker, make sure it’s horrible, awkward and highly regrettable.
Quote Family Guy whenever possible. If the Sigma Chi dudes ate it up, imagine what the Human Resources ladies will do.
Give it the ol’ college try and Like us on Facebook.