If you’re like me, then one of your least favorite activities is a physical beat-down. And if you’re also like me, all of your Star Wars wristwatches and Pacman T-shirts make you a common target for them. Rather than flee (and risk spilling a fresh Big Gulp), here are a few time-tested ways to avoid fisticuffs with even the stabbiest looking aggressor.
Start fighting yourself. Most people won’t punch somebody who’s already punching themselves. It’s science.
Share a personal pan pizza from Little Caesars. It’s pretty hard to fight when you’re both having diarrhea.
Eat your Chapstick.
Tell your assailant that your cell phone is ringing. Then reach into your pocket to get it, but instead of getting it you murder them. A classic.
Start gagging yourself with two fingers.
Ask him if he wants to hear a story about Winnie the Pooh. When he says yes, you laugh at him because in your head you were spelling it “Poo” and not “Pooh.” Now he looks like a stupid idiot for wanting to hear a story about a poo.
Talk about your favorite episode of Kenan & Kel. You’d be surprised how many people watched it…
Roundhouse kick your opponent (in your mind). If you do it right, he won’t even know what’s hitting him.
Put your assailant in a Full Nelson, then give them a pile-driver into the pavement. It helps if you’re a pro wrestler for this one.
Serenade your attacker with a song by Nickelback. This way, you’ll at least deserve a serious beating.
Like us on Facebook. Or we could step outside?