As many of us know, the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction, (better known as, “The Super Committee”) was created on August 2nd, 2011. It’s goal was to reach a bipartisan agreement on how to rein in our rapidly expanding debt problem before our debt spirals out of control, causing us to default on loans, thereby making us an unattractive business partner to the rest of the world.
What a lot of people don’t know is that the Super Committee was actually established a few years ago. Since everyone in Congress knew the job of agreeing on a debt plan was perilously difficult, they thought it best to offer the Super Committee a type of preliminary pilot project, or a practice round, in order to hone their teamwork and problem solving skills. President Barack Obama himself was to select the subject for their pilot project- They were given an itemized list of 50 specific ways to improve the City of Chicago.
Lists That Actually Matter was able to uncover 10 of them. If you are able to ascertain specifics on the remaining 40 at-large tasks, please let me know.
1. Ensure Taste of Chicago Receives No Negative Press
This has the Super Committee’s fingerprints all over it- it started off well enough, then the murders started, years later corporations started sniffing profits from owning Taste and the negative press wrote itself.
Wisely, the Super Committee pulled their proposed Taste of Chicago 2012 slogan, “Taste of Chicago: You’ll come for the privilege of paying a newly-implemented admission charge, you’ll stay because you were murdered.”, after it was announced there would not be an admission charge in 2012. Press for Taste of Chicago remains mixed.
2. Make Ozzie Guillen’s Speech Understandable and Prevent Him From Spitting While He Talks
My unnamed source tells me that Representative Jeb Hensarling (R-TX) was given this specific task and once he realized it was hopeless, he just ordered Kenny Williams to fire Ozzie. More of a butcher than a surgeon, that Hensarling.
3. Make Jay Cutler Seem Like Someone You’d Wanna Hang Out With
Originally the Super Committee had a really good plan for this: Start a marketing campaign to push the slogan, “Droopy-eyed guys, devoid of charisma that also look like Alcoholics from the 1950’s are the Coolest!”. But the campaign ran over budget and China pulled out it’s backing when they heard we couldn’t pay them back immediately. In the end, the campaign never launched, we wasted millions of dollars and Jay still seems weird.
4. Keep Sammy Sosa Black
Was the Super Committee even trying?
5. De-Segregate the City
Just kidding, Mayor Daley NEVER would have allowed anyone to attempt that under his watch.
6. Make the CTA Sleek, Rapid, and Non-Urine-Scented
As the saying goes, 2 out of the 3 aint bad.
But unfortunately the Super Committee achieved zero out of 3 here, and that is bad.
7. Protect the Newborn Gorilla at the Lincoln Park Zoo
Whispers indicate that John Kerry (D-MA) was given this task. How’d he do? The endangered newborn was discovered dead in its mother’s arms, nine days after its birth. The cause of death was trauma to the head, and researchers are scrambling to figure out just how and when it occurred.
Preliminary speculation is that John Kerry started his unique brand of monotone whining about God-knows-what and the ill-fated baby gorilla’s head trauma was self-inflicted.
8. Reduce Downtown Traffic Congestion
Even the Super Committee could fix this problem: Not surprisingly, they suggested to do nothing. This, they said, will keep corporate tax rates significantly higher than that of neighboring States and the problem of commuters clogging Chicago roads to get to-and-from their Chicago-based jobs will soon be a thing of the past. Easy.
9. Fill in Chicagoland Potholes
Since this was such a broad problem the Super Committee handled this one collectively. Clearly, this helped them steel their blades of impotence, which would later be the hallmark of their meetings in November.
10. Have an Elderly Middle School Teacher Masturbate Behind a Podium During Class at a Suburban Christian Middle School
Sadly, this was a rare success for the Super Committee.