Dear Amanda Knox,
Congratulations, you’re out of prison and back on U.S. soil. But I’m afraid your ordeal is not quite over, unfortunately. There’s still the little matter of readjusting to life in a society from which you’ve been absent for nearly five years. Allow me to help. STAY AWAY FROM OLIVE GARDEN! If their commercials are accurate, their food is so authentically Italian that it often fools even those who are actually visiting from Italy. But that’s just one of my useful tips. So much more has changed here during the time you’ve been incarcerated. So, as a service to you, I wanted to fill you in on what’s different, what you can expect and what to look out for as you return to life in the good old U.S. of A.
Europe is screwed: Good thing you got out of there before all of this Euro stuff really hits the fan. Although …
We’re screwed: Welcome back! But, uh, bad timing. Hey, just so you know, our government is completely dysfunctional, states are bankrupt and many people have lost their home, job, retirement/life savings or contents of their storage unit.
Science invented these Doritos: They taste like
We elected a black president: So racism is over.
Osama bin Laden is dead: So terrorism is over.
Michael Jackson is dead: So sleepovers are over.
Bookstores are the new record stores: In that they’re dying as books go electronic. And libraries are holograms, I think.
OJ Simpson’s lawyer’s ex-wife’s daughters are famous: It’s a long story, but … wait, no it’s not. The one made a sex tape and now they’re on TV because there are roughly 50,000 cable channels and not enough meatloaf pan testimonials with which to fill their programming hours.
Oprah was canceled: But not before they killed off Stedman. (SPOILER ALERT!)
Everyone loves dancing and singing competitions: We finally have meaningful elections where people feel like their vote actually matters.
Everything is in 3-D now: Most of us have actually lost the ability to see entertainment produced two dimensionally, so you have a lot of catching up to do.
Netflix raised their prices: Probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.
Bank of America added a $5 monthly charge to use a debit card: And you thought you were free.
People really want you to know where they are at all times for some reason: It’s called “checking in” and it’s great if you want your friends to be able to find you wherever you go or you’re just hoping a casual acquaintance will rob your house when you’re out and about. So for example, one of your recent entries could read: Amanda Knox was at Prison di Perugia – with Raffaele Sollecito and Rudy Guede.
Vampires, so hot right now: Forget about wizards. They’re dead. They’re over.
Scrunchies are still out: My wife wanted me to let you know.
Filed under: America