Public Service Lists: Readjusting Amanda Knox to Life on the Outside

Dear Amanda Knox,

Congratulations, you’re out of prison and back on U.S. soil. But I’m afraid your ordeal is not quite over, unfortunately. There’s still the little matter of readjusting to life in a society from which you’ve been absent for nearly five years. Allow me to help. STAY AWAY FROM OLIVE GARDEN! If their commercials are accurate, their food is so authentically Italian that it often fools even those who are actually visiting from Italy. But that’s just one of my useful tips. So much more has changed here during the time you’ve been incarcerated. So, as a service to you, I wanted to fill you in on what’s different, what you can expect and what to look out for as you return to life in the good old U.S. of A.

Europe is screwed: Good thing you got out of there before all of this Euro stuff really hits the fan. Although …

We’re screwed: Welcome back! But, uh, bad timing. Hey, just so you know, our government is completely dysfunctional, states are bankrupt and many people have lost their home, job, retirement/life savings or contents of their storage unit.

Science invented these Doritos: They taste like vomit cheeseburgers!

We elected a black president: So racism is over.

Osama bin Laden is dead: So terrorism is over.

Michael Jackson is dead: So sleepovers are over.

Bookstores are the new record stores: In that they’re dying as books go electronic. And libraries are holograms, I think.

OJ Simpson’s lawyer’s ex-wife’s daughters are famous: It’s a long story, but … wait, no it’s not. The one made a sex tape and now they’re on TV because there are roughly 50,000 cable channels and not enough meatloaf pan testimonials with which to fill their programming hours.

Oprah was canceled: But not before they killed off Stedman. (SPOILER ALERT!)

Everyone loves dancing and singing competitions: We finally have meaningful elections where people feel like their vote actually matters.

Everything is in 3-D now: Most of us have actually lost the ability to see entertainment produced two dimensionally, so you have a lot of catching up to do.

Netflix raised their prices: Probably the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

Bank of America added a $5 monthly charge to use a debit card: And you thought you were free.

People really want you to know where they are at all times for some reason: It’s called “checking in” and it’s great if you want your friends to be able to find you wherever you go or you’re just hoping a casual acquaintance will rob your house when you’re out and about. So for example, one of your recent entries could read: Amanda Knox was at Prison di Perugiawith Raffaele Sollecito and Rudy Guede.

Vampires, so hot right now: Forget about wizards. They’re dead. They’re over.

Scrunchies are still out: My wife wanted me to let you know.

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  • fb_avatar

    Wow - totally tasteless article about a bloody rape, suffocation & mutilation murder case in which the victim would be 25 years-old this November - had she lived, that is. Whether or not we ever discern the degree of Knox's involvement, there is still a dead woman in this matter - and her family and loved ones still suffer.

  • In reply to Bluejeans:

    I apologize if you were offended, as that was not at all my intention. Nor was it my intention to belittle the victims or their families. I did not make any joke about the actual crime. It was really just meant as a joke (maybe a poorly constructed one) about the things people actually obsess about over the course of time that things such as this are going on, as well as the news reports that actually focus on this sort of minutiae in the aftermath. Either way, thanks for reading.

  • In reply to Tony:

    The article was hilarious. Bluejeans wouldn't know funny if it sat on his/her face and called him/her daddy/mommy. Keep up the good work!

  • In reply to Bluejeans:

    So F-ing hilarious. This has nothing to do w/ Amanda Knox, the victim or the crime. it is a hilarious recap of historical events that have happened since she was unjustly imprisoned. I feel bad for you if you cant discern the difference

  • I didn't see where the author made any attempt at an opinion about any legal proceedings or expressed any glee at the verdict. Not sure how he was the bad guy.

    What I found more offensive was your negligence of mentioning that O.J.'s lawyer's daughter got peed on in the sextape by the little brother of an R&B singer.

  • fb_avatar

    I got it. Casey Anthony was guilty as hell. Amanda Knox was as innocent as heaven.

  • "Dear Amanda Knox, here's what you missed while you were in jail for murder"

    This is a c/p from the Trib website. My first thought was boo hoo for Knox. What about all the things Meredith Kercher will miss forever? She didn't get an appeal.

    We need to get our priorities straight. There is nothing clever or funny about anything attached to Knox.

  • HILARIOUS!!! The Olive Garden and Scrunchie references were my favorite. ;-)

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