Like Halloween, do you? Think it’s a lot of fun? Yeah, Halloween used to be great, back when it was a perfectly harmless pagan celebration of the occult for children. Now it’s nothing more than a manufactured holiday dreamed up by Big Pumpkin insiders as a way to get our attention outside of catapulting season. Well I won’t fall for it. I won’t be sold a bill of fun size goods. I won’t hold out my pillowcase and just accept what’s dropped in. Halloween as an adult blows. Here’s why.
No one gives you candy. In fact, you’re expected to give it out. Just another example of socialism infiltrating our society. I work for the specific purpose of being able to buy all the candy I want, and I’ll have as many pieces before bed as I want MOM! So I’ll be damned if I’m just going to distribute it to every unemployed child that shows up on my doorstep with his or her hand out. And their parents just stand back and watch it happen. Remain vigilant, citizens. Demand an honest day’s work of the children that come knocking on your door. They want a Snickers? First they can clean the gutters. They’ll thank you later.
It’s like New Year’s Eve, only more obnoxious. The only thing more fun than trying to battle a couple hundred drunk people in the cold for a cab at 2 a.m. is doing so while dressed as a kitty cat.
People are trying to trick you. Okay, you got me. Very funny, wiseguy. Ha ha, ho ho. I fell for it. You got me to eat candy corn. Now seriously, give me the number for poison control before these get into my bloodstream.
No one tells you how cute you look when you dress up as a superhero. Oh, sure. People will say your outfit is “creepy” or “weird” or “too tight in the crotch” or even “unbecoming of an obstetrician,” but just remember, you can’t please everyone. And no matter what, some people will just never appreciate the subtlety of the nipples on a George Clooney-era Batman suit.
You don’t understand kids that waste perfectly good toilet paper and eggs. Those things cost money!
No one is trying to give you apples filled with razor blades. Now you might say, Great, where do I sign? But let’s think about what it really means. It means you’re past your prime. Face it. No one cares enough to try and destroy your innocence anymore because it’s already dead. Unsuspectingly feeding you razor blades would be allowing you the easy way out. Continuing on with your life, now that’s much more painful.
People are trying to scare you. Like my silly neighbor. Although that’s nothing new for him. He’s always chasing me with a chainsaw, even in the middle of March. That’s not even close to Halloween, you goof. Very funny, mister. I see you there behind that tree, breathing so heavily that you’re slobbering. Come on out.
There are too many slutty costumes to choose from. Do I want to be a slutty nurse, a slutty maid, slutty Elmo, a slutty slut, or go the more traditional route and dress as a slutty whore?