1. Because I have a Butt
Jerry Seinfeld asked, “Why would I be a leg man? I have legs!” and he was right. Butts can’t be as great as boobs because we already know all about butts. I think it’s fair to say most heterosexuals derive some enjoyment from exploring a body unlike their own; and for most guys, boobs just have more mystique and intrigue about them.
2. And Also This…
Please note the 2:39 mark of this video.
In addition to….
Find a macho butt man and then show him like 30 zoomed-in pictures of shapely butts in revealing clothes, but the pictures are so zoomed-in that you can’t see anything else or even really tell if it’s a girl’s or guy’s ass. Have the guy guess the gender of each picture and note his answers. Then surprise him and bring in his best buddies in from backstage (like on Jerry Springer or Oprah) and go over the results with him picture by picture, complete with pictures of the dude’s faces on the dude buns he guessed incorrectly. Things could get weird between him and his friends after that test. Especially if some of the dudes in those pics were wearing boat shoes. Disgusting.
Conversely, If you were to administer the same test to me- only it was the boob version- I’d go 30 for 30, and things with my buddies wouldn’t have gotten weird at all. We’d just high five each other and say, “Sweet, we just saw 30 pairs of hoots!”. Hell, that test would improve my friendship with my buddies.
3. The Smell
Well, I guess that about covers it.
You know how the mouths on chimpanzees and other great apes jut out further than a human’s does? And you know how it seems like boobs on humans are more pronounced than on chimps and great apes? That isn’t a coincidence.
Human evolution has seen human breasts growing larger, thereby coming to the face of the newborn, whereas with the apes, the newborn’s jutted out mouth comes to the breast.
So the human breast has evolved to comfort and accomodate the human face, and while I am no evolutionary biologist (or any kind of biologist), I am pretty sure the same cannot be said of the human ass.
What, you’re too good for my face, butts? Fine, I’ll hang out with boobs.
5. Jiggling Boobs > Twerking Buns
Sure I can appreciate a good twerking as much as the next guy, and God knows it’s amusing to watch, but jiggle-for-jiggle, pound-for-pound, bounce-ta-da-ounce, nothing defeats boobs.
What’s the difference between a very risque bikini top at the beach and public nudity? Nipples. That’s what. They, and they alone, make the boob a private part/naughty bit/even-more-alluring part of the body.
Yet for some reason thongs are perfectly legal at beaches and they show the entire bootay. What that says to me is that butts just aren’t as naughty as boobs. Lame.
Nipples keep it
naughty/possibly illegal gangster.