Our current debt crisis is a complicated issue, and hence, there are many questions surrounding it. What is a debt ceiling? How did we get into this position? Did this happen because America signed up for a bunch of credit cards in college just to get free t-shirts? Or maybe America stole fizzy lifting drinks and could avoid hitting the ceiling if it would only burp? Burp, America! Burp! And, of course, there’s also the question of what happens should Debtmageddon™ come to pass on August 2 and we actually hit the ceiling. Because you visit this blog for its financial expertise, we figured we had better answer before panic takes hold.
1. America will have to ask its parents for money: You know we wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t serious, but we got mixed up with the wrong people (China) and we really need your help. It’s just a loan and we’re totally going to pay it back. Promise. And we’ll do stuff around the house to help out, too. Honest.
2. Animal skins will be our new currency: Do you understand how many beavers you’re going to have to skin just to pay your mortgage? And don’t even get me started on groceries. But then, wouldn’t you know it, some places won’t take your village’s particular type of beaver pelt. So you’ll end up leaving with nothing, only to return on horseback under cover of darkness to burn down the shopkeeper’s store, and then it just turns into a whole thing. It’s almost not even worth it.
3. Bartering makes a comeback: If you’re looking to avoid the above scenario, try bartering instead. Exchanging goods and services is a time tested way to get what you need without using money or fire. Try approaching your doctor with an offer of a pound of fresh fish in exchange for your yearly prostate exam. (Is great deal! Just caught fish this morning!) Know somebody who’s always sewing? Make their hobby actually worthwhile by trading the shoddy potholders they churn out for a mule. With a little luck, you could flip that mule after planting season for upwards of four chickens. Call me an idealist, but I think one day we may even get to a point where all you need to mail a letter are three head of horned cattle.
4. The price of enormous fountain drinks will plummet: At a time like this, people simply cannot afford to pay the current asking rate of 89 squirrel pelts to receive only 76 ounces of Mountain Dew in return.
5. Your Y2K bunker will finally come in handy: For over 11 years it has been the laughingstock of the neighborhood and the subject of derision amongst family members. So be sure to install a closed-circuit television so you can watch as they all struggle to survive in apocalyptic conditions as you comfortably eat can after can of expired SpaghettiOs.
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