I have had the misfortune of being a Cubs fan my entire life. It has been a miserable experience – hold Ozzy Osbourne’s infamous rendition of Take Me Out to the Ball Game. The sad part is, even without the 100+ years of losing, there are still plenty of reasons it sucks being a Cubs fan. Here are my top 6. Let us know if you can think of any others.
6. “Go, Cubs, Go” by Steve Goodman: So you empty your savings account, buy Cubs tickets, and they win. That split second of joy is immediately gone as the worst celebration song ever is blared through the speakers, and the couple from Iowa sitting next to you is going nuts, ramming their fanny pack into you, and swinging their “It’s Gonna Happen” sign like they just heard the Beatles for the first time. If you are over the age of 10, and sing and dance to this song after a Cubs win, I probably hate you. This song makes “Sweet Caroline” sound like “Stairway to Heaven.” And don’t even get the hipsters started on the irony of Cubs fans not knowing how to celebrate a win properly…
5. “Can’t Miss” prospects, always missing: Mark Prior, Bobby Hill, Corey Patterson, Felix Pie, Todd Wellemeyer, and Hee Sop Choi. These prospects were considered “can’t misses,” the future, you name it. Of course, they were Cub prospects, so they never had a chance. Starlin Castro is like watching a time bomb as a shaky-handed Jim Hendry tries to find the right wire to cut.
4. Environment fans: “I just like to go to Cubs game for the environment.” Awesome. I thought only Phish and Grateful Dead concerts were attended “just to experience the environment.” And, according to my acid dealer, Cubs games have a significantly different vibe.
3. “Rookie of the Year” (1993): The only movie based off our franchise stars the only person who ever struggled to have sex with Tara Reid (see “American Pie”), Gary Busey, and the not-Joe Pesci bad guy in “Home Alone.” Sweet. Also, the Cubs can’t even manage to win the World Series in a fictional tale. The movie ends after they win the division. Apparently a 12-year-old’s broken arm allowing him to throw 100mph and dominate the MLB was more believable than the Cubs winning the World Series.
2. Most famous Cub is a fan: Poor Steve Bartman. Every fan in his section tries to catch that foul ball, and he happens to love the Cubs so much that he is the one guy sober enough to get a paw on the ball. Not to even mention that Moises Alou has made zero “at the wall” catches in his career and Alex Gonzales actually blew the game by later booting the inning-ending double play ball. Does the Cubs Franchise defend their loyal, season-ticket holding fan? Of course not. They treat him like a female Chinese baby, and dispose of him. The Cubs are selling the environment drug, and they know millions are addicted. Alex Gonzalez’s name should be to Cubs fan what Bill Buckner’s once was to Red Sox fans.
1. Farm Animal Curse: Of course the Cubs wouldn’t even be cursed by a human. Ironically, a franchise known for illogical decisions, are cursed for making one of their few logical decisions, not letting a f*cking farm animal attend a World Series game.