Mayor Daley will not take your Chicago badge away; it’s okay to admit you like ketchup on your hot dog.
5. Neighborhood Expert: Do you ask people where they live just to correct them? “Actually Wrigleyville is not a real place, it’s just what people from the suburbs call the area around Wrigley Field that’s actually within Lakeview.” Thanks, bro. I didn’t know that answering the question of “where I lived” was going to sign me up for a lesson on Chicago neighborhood boundaries. This guy is always the first to break down what is officially in WickerPark and what is officially in Bucktown. Nobody cares, bro. Either way it is all skinny jeans and Fixies.
4. Only eat deep dish: Do you refuse to eat thin crust? And do you get mad when somebody refers to stuffed pizza as “deep dish”? Believe it or not, you can still be from Chicago and not want to eat a ‘za that is 90% bread. This same Chicago snob also refuses to admit that Gino’s East or Pizzeria Uno/Due is good. They always say some snide comment like, “those places suck, and it’s just where the tourists go.” No, cynics, you are wrong. They are famous because they are good. That is how fame generally works.
3. No ketchup on my hotdog: “Real Chicago Dogs don’t have ketchup,” or “ketchup is gross on hotdogs.” Listen, nobody is going to take away your Chicago badge if you admit that you like ketchup on your hotdog. It is the most used condiment in America. We get it. Weiner Circle doesn’t serve ketchup, so part of being all that is Chicago is fake hating this condiment.
2. Suburb Police: This usually occurs when the Chicago Snob starts up a conversation with a stranger. A casual conversation starts up and the stranger is asked by the Chicago Snob where he is from. The stranger tells the Chicago Snob that he is from “Chicago.” At this point the Chicago Snob is just praying that the stranger is from a suburb, so he can correct him. So, the Chicago Snob asks him which “part of Chicago he is from.” The stranger informs the douche Chicago Snob that he is from “Hinsdale.” The moment the Chicago Snob has been waiting for. Before the stranger can even finish the word “Hinsdale,” the Snob interjects, “Oh. So actually you are from the suburbs. I thought you were actually from Chicago, like me. I grew up in Beverly which is the Southside of Chicago.” And the Chicago Snob finishes this sentence with that smug, elitist smirk like Bill Maher always has strapped across his face.
1. Summers are the Best in Chicago: No sh*t, man. The only 3 months of the year that being outside is even tolerable is the “best”? I thought the middle of January was going to be the best time of the year to party in Chicago. I wonder if Miami Snobs say the same thing about winters in Miami?