“Like” us on Facebook, and we promise to use protection when poking you. Trust me, you don’t want to know where our poker has been.
Many of us out there are just casual Facebook users. Casual Facebook users are Facebook minimalists; they only use Facebook for its very basic functions – looking at pictures of attractive people from the opposite sex and spitting passive aggressive game. Sorta like the Facebook equivalent of the guy Emile Hirsch played in Into the Wild (or Christopher McCandless for our more educated and book-reading readers). However, Facebook is used for thousands of other reasons, many of which annoy people as they appear on Facebook’s “newsfeed” homepage. This list is the cream the crop of those annoying things that make you roll your eyes at your computer and gchat your friend about how much of a tool “Dan from high school” has become.
9. Internet friends commenting on not-real-life friends’ pictures, walls, or status updates: Social media has reformed the social world’s hierarchy of human relations. It used to go 1) friends, 2) acquaintances, and 3) strangers. But now social media has given us a 4th group, that falls somewhere between acquaintances and strangers; facebook friends. The criteria to be a facebook friend is so low that to befriend someone on facebook, you never have had to say real-life “hello” to them. It’s pretty amazing and the reason that most of us have hundreds more facebook friends than real-life friends. However, if you are merely a facebook friend, don’t be a creepy a facebook friend. Use that friendship like a normal person and rifle through your facebook friends’ pictures and judge them from the privacy of your own cubicle or couch and don’t let the rest of the world know what you are up to. Simply put, if you aren’t real life friends don’t comment on their facebook page. It’s weird, annoying, and incredibly creepy.
8. Streaming conscious: “The escalator at work broke… guess we are all taking the stairs today!” “Can’t believe how much the guy in the elevator smelled… PU” The guys who made Twitter gave you a forum to bore people, so stop ruining my creepy afternoon of rifling through college girls’ spring break pictures.
7. Yo! Internet friends! My real friends are real: “Had the best Friday ever with Sarah B. and Rachel R.! Love you bitches. J” And if you click on either of the names I linked to, you can see that these friends are in fact real. Also, you can check out my 75 photos I uploaded while I was still out on Friday night with the very same “bitches.” So, no big deal, but I totally have real friends… and I’ve proven it with an abundance of internet evidence for my internet friends.
6. Couples Communicating via Social Media: Really? At no point you thought it would be weird to ask your boyfriend what “our” dinner plans were via his facebook wall. “Babe, what do you think of chicken tonight?” Annoying couples, what do you think of email, text message, or phone calls? Probably not much, considering you are fielding bland questions from one another for all of the facebook world to comment on… literally. Seriously, we all know you guys are dating from the 9000 photos you’ve uploaded during your 3 month relationship and constant “like”-ing and commenting on each picture and status updates.
5. Newly Weds Boasting about being Newly Weds: “Me and the hubby are redecorating! Somehow he thinks everything matches!” I wonder what percentage of people find out they weren’t invited to a wedding this way?
4. Old people commenting on young people’s facebook page: Old people, I know that you guys are always a few years behind on the marvels of the internet, sorta like southern people with fashion, but it has gone too far. Now, I could look past the dated forwards old people keep on sending (I know, mom. That gay guys really wants us to leave Britney Spears alone), but now it has gone too far. It’s weirder than it is annoying, but 50-year-old family friend commenting on a 24-year-olds relationship status is not okay. Nor should it be. Old people, stop ruining facebook for the younger generation. Please keep your midlife crisis off of the Internet and in the divorce courts where it belongs.
3. Using your baby for attention: “Little Emma is keeping me up all night!” Hey, mom of the year, maybe little Emma doesn’t want her sleeping problems broadcasted to the world so you can receive some viral sympathy.
2. Pat me on the Back: Narcissists, every time you receive a promotion, pass the Bar, ace a test, or finish a ½ marathon, you don’t need to update your status. Is this really the only way that you can feel joy from accomplishments, by not-so-subtly begging bored people at work to congratulate you over the net?
1. Fishing for Compliments: “This old man just told me I was beautiful and said he bets all the boys are after me… apparently he doesn’t know me too well.” This status feed is then followed by arsenal of compliments from an array of internet friends: “Shut up! You know you are a total hotty”; “Any boy would be lucky to have you;” “I would kill for your eyes” (the always impressive fishing for compliments while responding to someone else’s attempt to fish for compliments). Obviously nobody is going to comment with “that old man obviously doesn’t realize you are fat and annoying,” so don’t let your self-esteem get to inflated from the comments.