Top 5 Things We Learned About the Bears in Week 1

These are the top 5 things we learned about our fledgling
young Bears in Week 1.  For example, we
already knew the Bears O-line sucked
before Week 1.  Week 1 simply reinforced
every NFL analysts/experts’ opinion that the O-line is dreadful.  Lovie, Angelo, and crew thought they could
fix their O-line by using the “Remote Control” rule.  When sitting on the couch watching TV and the
remote’s batteries die, most of us are too lazy to get up and get new
batteries.  Instead, we simply move the
left battery over to the other side and vice-versa.  Needless to say, this simple move of switching
sides doesn’t change the fact that the remote is dead and you need new
batteries.  The Bears thought they’d try
this move with their O-line by moving the right side of their O-line to the
left side (Ricardo Garza and Chris Williams). 
To the shock of nobody – hold the Bears’ decision makers – this move
didn’t work.  Garza and Williams, like
dead batteries, are useless on either side.

CHICAGO - OCTOBER 26:  Linebacker Brian Urlacher #54 of the Chicago Bears stops running back Shawn Bryson #24 of the Detroit Lions on October 26, 2003 at Soldier Field in Chicago, Illinois. The Bears defeated the Lions 24-16.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

5. The GoodUrlacher looks like 2006 Urlacher: Brian
Urlacher spent his free time last year recovering from his broken wrist by
building a time machine and bringing back the dominant, top-tier-linebacker-version
of himself.  Granted, this was against
the Lions, but Urlacher was flying all over the field and seemed to be involved
on every defensive stop.  He was one of
the few pleasant surprises from Week 1.

4. More Good – The Lions coaching staff is even crappier at decision making than the Bears’.  Zack Bowman was apparently confused with
Derrelle Revis on Sunday.  Zack Bowman
had the responsibility of covering Calvin Johnson for most of Sunday’s game, and until the 4th quarter
Mr. Bowman didn’t have much to do.  It is
no secret around the NFL that the Bears’ secondary is suspect, but the Lions’
coaching staff decided that prior to the 4th quarter they wouldn’t
try to get the ball to their best weapon, Calvin Johnson.  Shocking. 
Jim Schwartz (Lions’ Head Coach) must have been going up against Calvin
in his fantasy football league last week.

CHICAGO - NOVEMBER 22: Fans of the Chicago Bears hang a sign which reads 'Vick If The Bears Don't Eat You Up Our Dogs Will!' in reference to Michael VIck #7 of the Philadelphia Eagles at Soldier Field on November 22, 2009 in Chicago, Illinois.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

3. The Confusing
You can love Dogs… AND still like
Michael Vick:
This has nothing to do with the Bears, but I was watching the
2nd half of the Eagles/Packers game and found myself cheering for
Michael Vick to lead his team back from a 17-point 2nd-half
deficit.  I am fully on the Michael Vick
comeback story bandwagon and my dog and PETA will just have to live with
it.  I don’t see how you can possibly
start Kevin Kolb after that 2nd half display by Michael Vick.

2. More Confusing –
Winning can feel like Losing
:  A
majority of Bears’ fans walked away from the game Sunday feeling like they just
lost at home to one of the worst teams in the NFL.  Thanks to a weird rule, Julius Peppers
killing Matt Stafford, the Lions temporarily forgetting they had one of the
best Wide Receivers in the league, and to the Lions for being the Lions, the
Bears started their season 1-0.  However,
with the laughable decision making of the Bears’ coaching staff, 65 fumbles,
and 5 failed attempts to score a touchdown from within the 1-yard-line, the win
felt no different than a disappointing loss. 
It just feels like it is going to be a long, long year.

Aug 21, 2010; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith at press conference after the Bear' 32-17 loss to the Oakland Raiders in the preseason game at Soldier Field. Photo by Image of Sport Photo via Newscom

1. Lovie Smith has to
be F-ing with us
:  Lovie knows that
he is hated by Chicago fans at alevel only previously experienced by Dave
Wannstedt and Dusty Baker.  There are
undoubtedly a significant number of fans actually hoping that the Bears lose,
so that it will expedite Smith’s firing. 
This irrational hatred is usually only seen in Tea Partiers, or hippies
hoping for Bush to fail before the 2004 election.  Anyways, I think Lovie knows how much he is
hated and is looking to stick it back to Bears fans.  How else can you explain some of those
decisions and press conference comments after the game?   The Bears were down 14-13 in the 4th
quarter and were approaching a 4th and inches.  The Bears O-line proved in the previous 3
plays that they were as bad as advertised and couldn’t push the Lions much
improved D-line those few inches needed to score a touchdown.  Lovie, unfazed by the damning evidence, opted
to give it a 4th try and risk not scoring AT ALL.  Now, I ain’t no genius or expert, but I know
that the only way to win a football game is too score more points than the
opposing team.  Further, I ain’t no math
major, but if I am down by 1 point and I then score 3 points, I will take the

Lovie, not only went for it and opted not to take the easy
lead, but also went into his press conference and looked dead into the camera
and said he’d make the exact same decision again.  The fun didn’t stop there.  In the waning seconds of the game, with the
ball inside the Bears 30 and the Lions needing a TD to win the game, the Bears
decided to go with 6’1″ Zack Bowman single-covering 6’5″ Calvin Johnson.   Again, one doesn’t need to be a physics
major to know that Calvin Johnson will have a far easier time than Bowman
getting to a lobbed jump ball.  Calvin
obviously out-reached Bowman to catch the pass with less than 30 seconds
remaining in the game, but thanks to a rule that only rivals the Tom Brady
“tuck rule” in ridiculousness, the Bears still won.  Of course during the press conference Lovie
said he was never worried and knew it was incomplete all the way.  In fact, he was shocked they even reviewed
it.  Lovie, for the next press conference
do all us Bears’ fans a favor, beat the middle man, and just sit down, look
into the camera and give Bears’ nation both your middle fingers before exiting
the stage.

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