Life: As I See It

Category: Stories from My Childhood

Why Does My Mother Insist Upon Me Looking Like A Lesbian?

My mother DVR’d yesterday’s premiere episode of The View. The good news – where she’s concerned? She’s willing to give the yapping hens “another chance”. The bad news? I am not. Half-way through the “Hot Topics” segment (in the event you might be wondering, Mom is totally stoked that they brought this part back), she... Read more »

By JenLenks,
September 9, 2015 at 10:51 pm •

In Defense of DIBS

Winter certainly took its sweet-ass time finding Chicago this year. Raise your hand if you missed the cold and blustery weather during December and January. Yeah – me neither. And, thanks to the mild mid-winter weather there were plenty of other things that I didn’t miss… • Like Roz Varon ( “The Natural Laxative”) freaking... Read more »

By JenLenks,
February 6, 2015 at 11:55 am •

Home Is Where The Heart Is

The dining room table where most debates took place is right behind us.

Once a month, ChicagoNow Bloggers are given an hour to write about a topic. The exercise is supposed to prove we can tap out quality within the sixty minute time frame. Most months, the only thing it proves to me is I can’t keep up with a goddamn deadline. Last Wednesday’s topic: “Write about a... Read more »

By JenLenks,
May 3, 2014 at 9:45 am •

CPS School Closures: Knowing Before Going Is For Pansies

Chances are your kid is home from school today. And, chances are you have known about said cancellation for days. My heart breaks for today’s generation. Our kids are spoiled rotten. Everything is instant. As parents we have to know everything NOW. And the children suffer. Thanks to Google, kids today will never know the agony of... Read more »

By JenLenks,
January 6, 2014 at 11:04 am •

Suck It, Cancer. It's Donna Day!

I remember the night I “met” Mary Tyler Mom and her daughter, Donna. It was April 8, 2011. My forty-fifth birthday. It was the first birthday I celebrated without the annual call from my dad at 10:23 a.m. to wish me a happy day and tell me the story of the rainy Good Friday I almost... Read more »

By JenLenks,
March 1, 2013 at 12:43 pm •

Handmade Gifts For Your Parents: You Know You Grew Up In The Seventies if These Were Under The Tree

Nothing said Happy Holidays better than a clay ashtray did in the seventies. Light 'em up and smoke 'em if you got 'em...here is an ash tray lovingly kneaded by your first grader. God Bless Us Everyone.

Yes, Virginia…there is a Santa Claus…and long before The Oriental Trading Company…teachers had pretty impressive imaginations. For the donation of a buck (to cover the cost of supplies), little elves spent the last week before Christmas Vacation working their fingers to the bone in order to provide the perfect gift for the parents. Way back... Read more »

By JenLenks,
December 11, 2012 at 12:00 pm •

Christmas RSVPs: A Menagerie of Merry Morons Who Need Not Reply

Leftover Louie ~ ah, Leftover Louie is such a stroke. Last Christmas Louie and his family signed up to bring a dozen cupcakes, one pumpkin pie, a 9x13 pan of green bean casserole, and a stick of butter. As soon as the last person cleared the dessert buffet line, Louie and his brought-from-home box of ziplocks sprung into action. You watched in horror as Louie bagged up every last crumb of whatever his family contributed to the meal (including the eighth-a-stick of leftover butter) and ran like lightning to secure them in the trunk of his car for safe keeping. So, it came as no surprise this past Thanksgiving when you were asked to contribute five pounds of mashed potatoes to the family feast over at Louie's place. As you were getting ready to leave, Louie handed you a bag heavy enough to make you think you had the makings for a pretty sweet turkey sandwich with all the trimmings to take back to your crib. And, sure enough...later that evening...after your turkey-induced slumber...as your mouth watered thinking about the turkey goodness, you made your way to the fridge and opened the bag. And then as you took the all too familiar looking container out, you slammed it on the counter as you shouted, "THAT MOTH-ER FUCK-ER". THAT motherfucker indeed. Leftover Louie sent you home with the remaining four pounds of your mashed potato offering. It could be worse. You could be your sister opening a half gallon of gravy and a ziploc bag containing exactly two-and-a-half croissants right about now.

The holidays are here along with all the weirdos that seem to participate. Just when you think the freak flags that fly at your annual family gathering are exclusive to your gene pool…think again. The names and faces may be different, but don’t fool yourself. Their stories and the freakiness that follows are all the same. ... Read more »

By JenLenks,
December 4, 2012 at 6:30 pm •

Dinner Served Without A Side Of Whine-Ass...I'd Like To Make A Reservation!

This week a restaurant outside of Pittsburgh announced they would no longer serve patrons who have not yet reached their sixth birthday. Many comment sections on Facebook and various blogs are crying foul. How dare the owners of McDains Restaurant ban the children? Doesn’t the proprietor, Mike Vuick, know that the youngsters are just trying... Read more »

By JenLenks,
July 12, 2011 at 7:59 pm •

I Am Not A Quitter

I am the first to admit it; I tend to be a quitter. Always have been, and it seems I always would be…but starting today I have decided I am just not going to give up as easily. For as long as I remember, I have found it simpler to just throw in the towel... Read more »

By JenLenks,
June 30, 2011 at 7:33 pm •

Is Your Pork Chop Sporting a Milk Moustache?

Are you raising a tub-a-lub? Are you sure? Care if I check your fridge for proof in the form of a bottle of Hersey’s Chocolate Syrup? By now, I am sure you have either heard or read about the LA school district banning flavored milk at the start of the next school year in an... Read more »

By JenLenks,
June 18, 2011 at 11:41 am •

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