I apologize for the delay of my list, but it’s been quite a motherfucking few weeks. All hell has broken every which way but loose since Thanksgiving. Seriously, this goddamn town is up for grabs.
Now, I want you to know I did send a duplicate list to Hanukkah Harry in hopes that one of you clowns can get this right.
Below are not merely things I want – they are what I need – see what you can do to make this shit happen.
And for the love of all that is holy – please, Santa – get that Elf on The Shelf off my back – this sonofabitch is all over the fifth floor – every goddamn morning.
Today, he was sitting on top of my DVR with a bowl of popcorn, wearing an “I Heart Karen Lewis” t-shirt and a smug-ass look on his face – not sure who painted the Chuy Garcia mustache on this elf’s fucking face, but I’m not laughing.
Seriously – it’s freaking me the frick out.
P.S. – If you can score a scandal or any breaking news worthy of getting me the fuck off the Trib’s front page and the leading story every night at ten – I’ll see what I can do about getting your sleigh a parking pass next season.
1) ALARM CLOCK – preferably with an air-raid sound – I need something ear piercing – to wake me up from the fucking nightmare my life has become.
2) WINTER WEATHER – 56 and sunny in mid-December is bullshit -nothing will keep over-night shootings and downtown protesters at bay like subzero temps, flakes flying and wind gusting like a motherfucker.
3) A GODDAMN BREAK – yeah- I’m asking for it – a goddamn break – I mean, seriously Santa WTF does a guy have to do to get a break?
4) A FLAT-LINING FISH – and the address of one WooWoo Wickers.
5) A CASE OF WRITER’S BLOCK – for that fucker Kass over at the Tribune
6) A CASE OF KLEENEX – I have a feeling there a couple more speeches in my future.
7) A NEW FUCKING GIG – my current job sucks ass – any word on a 9-5-er for a nine-fingered guy with a big-ass ego and a get-it-done-at-any-cost attitude would be much appreciated.
8) A TIME MACHINE – Ideally, I’d like it to take me back to a simpler time, namely, the December 2010 residency hearings – when my biggest problem was answering pesky questions from the inquisitive lady wearing the gold hat.
9) AN EARLIER DEPARTURE DATE FOR CUBA – and an open-ended return date.
10) NEW POINTE SHOES & A BLACK LEOTARD – They want me to leave – I’m not leaving kicking and screaming – all ya’ll better believe I’m dancing my way the fuck off of the Fifth Floor … Word.
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