10 Suggestions For Surviving A Chicago Snow

10 Suggestions For Surviving A Chicago Snow

Get a grip, Chicago, will ya?   It’s only snow – and it’s December – you knew it was bound to happen.  This is hardly your first time at the rodeo – so why don’t you start acting like it.

Here are some tips to fake it ’til you make it – and by make it I mean out of Winter alive.

1)  Look at the signs, ya morons.  Look at the goddamn signs.  The Chicago Overnight Parking Ban begins on December 1  and ends April 1.  And, for as long as I can remember, this rule has been in place EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.  And, yet, somehow, EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR. I find myself subjected to clueless people interviewed by Nancy Loo-coming to us live from an impound lot as tow truck after tow truck arrives with car after car. EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR.  And, naturally, these folks are freaking the flip out because their ride got towed. They scratch their head and wonder why they weren’t warned – why oh why didn’t the city inform them of these rules.

2)  Unless you are a masochist  – don’t get your morning news from ABC7 – the Tracy Butler/Roz Varon tag team during the winter months are a guaranteed natural laxative.  And, who really has time for that shit.?  Yes, Tracy – it IS cold and blustery and brrrrr blah, blah, blah.  And, ah, NO Roz – I don’t need to be a third wheel as you converse with the IDOT Minuteman – you freaky-ass freak.  May I suggest Konrad over on the Big #9 – he gets his 411 from Skilling – and Skilling knows what’s what, especially when the flakes start to fly – do yourself a favor and skip the Butler/Varon freak show – unless you have the time to entertain a case of the runs before work.

 3)  Keep a snow brush in your car – and use it.  Before you leave – and please, do you, me and everyone else on the road a favor – please realize you’re really going to need more than a 4×6 swipe of snow removed from the windshield to travel the treachery of the roads ahead . Seriously.  The defroster is also a pretty cool tool for maneuvering the highways during the winter.  Not sure how those new-fangled things work?  Google that shit.

4)  Can you please act like this isn’t the first time you’ve driven in snow.  Because it’s not.  Who among us can possibly forget the last two winters?  Yet somehow, once the first storm hits during the morning rush we act  like we’ve never seen the frozen white stuff before.  Like most things in life – slow and steady will win the race – but keep all that slow going in the right lane – only the daredevils with all-wheel drive can maneuver the scary land that is the left lane.  If you don’t want to play with the big dogs – keep your ass on the front porch.  Those bitches in the left lane be crazy.

5)  DIBS are real, people.  DIBS are real.  Maybe people wouldn’t have to put a tacky ironing board or statues of Mary, Joseph, and Jesus in their parking spot if assholes wouldn’t park in a space they know they didn’t shovel.  Common sense and good will should go hand-in-hand.  Just because it usually doesn’t is no excuse.

6)  Plan Ahead and Accordingly.  Want to avoid three extra hours on your already too-long-commute?  I have two words for you – Public Transportation.  Embrace it.  If you have to arrive at a certain time – set the alarm earlier.

7)  Keep Warm.  Winter in Chicago means you’re going to need a hat – and gloves- a scarf – a heavy coat – and a pair of boots.  Baby – it’s cold out there.  Be prepared.  Nothing is worse than sitting at your desk waiting for your wet, frozen socks to defrost all because you opted for fashionable instead of sensible when picking out your kicks this morning.

8) BE KIND.  Shovel your sidewalk and get your neighbors’ while you’re at it.  The old gal next door may need a gallon of milk from the store and the little bastards down the street need to get to the bus stop.  You don’t want to be the reason they fall.

9)  Don’t be a hoarder.  Nobody needs a garage full of salt or a pantry full of green peas or a ten gallons of milk in the fridge.  Nobody.  The only thing a Chicagoan can be sure of during a potential snow storm are the lines that seem to form at every grocery store five minutes after Jerry Taft issues the weather alert.  Don’t be the guy that contributes to such madness.  Pace yourself – it’s going to be a long winter.

10)  Know before you go.  I’m not sure where you’re going, but if it requires your bike or jogging shoes, take a minute – look in the mirror – and ask yourself if your destination is really necessary.  Because from my vantage point – driving through the driving snow dodging bike riders and joggers, much like yourself,  I honestly have to question what the hell is going through your mind as you set out on your daily exercise regime.

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