Ten Thanksgiving Guests Nobody Wants This Year

Ten Thanksgiving Guests Nobody Wants This Year
photo credit: Thanksgiving Table via photopin (license)

Just as sure as that bird is going to be dry, you can bet the last slice of pumpkin pie one of these clowns will ring someone’s bell tomorrow.

Do yourself a favor – don’t be one of these clowns.

#1  “THE GUY WITH A BROKEN WATCH” – If the invite asks you to arrive at 2:15, your ass should be hanging up your coat in MeeMaw’s closet at 2:15.  Really.  Not 2:30 – not 3:00 – and certainly, most definitely , NOT a single minute before the determined time.  Start times are not a suggestion, proposition, or a proposal.  They are a demand.  MeeMaw doesn’t ask for much – seriously – get there on time.

#2  “THE LADY WITH THE EMPTY HANDS” – Showing up with your empty hands in your pockets isn’t kind of rude, it’s a whole lot of rude.  Offensive, really. Put something that will contribute to the meal in your grubby paws and carry it to the family party.  If you can cook, bring a dish to pass.  If you can’t, stop by the Jewels and pick up a pie.  Or bring a bottle of something to drink.  Or a bag of ice.  Key word here – SOMETHING.

#3  “THE KITCHEN TAKEOVER-ER” – I’m sure your seven-layer salad IS to.die.for – but make it at your home, not mine.  No, you cannot borrow a knife – or a cutting board – and NO – we do not have an extra can of black beans.  I really don’t care how small your space is at your place – you want to know where there is even less?  Yep, that’s right – on the counter of the lady cooking turkey and all the scrumptious sides for twenty-five heathens.   If you arrive and expect oven space to heat up your appetizer – you’re no longer king of Clown Town,  you’ve driven smack dab into Asshole Territory.

#4  “THE NAME DROPPER” – I’m sure Paula’s potatoes, Rachel’s stuffin’ muffins and Emeril’s pumpkin cheesecake are fanfuckingtastic.  Are they THEIR recipes?  Not really sure – I googled all this shit.    If you’re in the market for something along celebrity  lines – SEE #2.

#5  “THE SPECIAL DIETER” –  The fact you’re following Volumetrics – may have recently jumped on the Paleo bandwagon – or are wearing you’re open-toed shoes to ease the counting of your blasted Weight Watchers points is really NOT MY PROBLEM – nor any concern of the people at the table who would like you to pass the goddamn gravy.  Please – spare us the details of how difficult it is to be a holiday dieter.   Either strap on a feed bag or sit in the corner and nurse your celery sticks.  This is a holiday to indulge.  We can start the diet tomorrow.

#6  “THE RESTRICTED” – Much like the special dieter, your “self-diagnosed dietary issues” are equally annoying.  I’m sorry the “glutens” prevent you from enjoying Grandma’s famous dressing – but I refuse to chuck 70-years of tradition to entertain your  problem.  I know you think it will make you feel better if we ditch dishes that include bread because you can’t indulge, but the other 24 of us talked and we think you’re nuts – (not tree nut – nuts though – we know you are adversely affected by those as well).  Ditto for labeling things on the table with a glow-in-the-dark “caution-gluten-included” sticker.  I suggest going with the “if-it-looks-good-you-can’t-have it” rule.  But, please know the gluten-free paper plates you contributed our family meal were the shits and giggles I wasn’t quite expecting.

#7  “THE SMARTPHONE CARRIER” – Unless you have the Butterball Hotline on the phone – please power off your device at the front door.  Seriously.  Instagram, Facebook and the Twitter will survive for a few hours without updates and accompanying food photos from you.  Not every moment needs to be documented.  Step back in time today – and enjoy the moments – the conversations – and your family – first hand.

#8  “THE REMOTE CONTROL CONTROLLER” – What are we watching?  The Game.  Can you change the channel?  NO.  Put down the remote and walk away.  PUT IT DOWN!

#9  “BATHROOM BULLY” – Bowels filled with such toxicity should really be evacuated where they feel more at home – namely yours.  If you must, here are three rules: 1) turn on the goddamn fan  2) the plunger is next to the toilet  3) dropping a deuce in the upstairs bathroom is way cooler than leaving that shit in the guest bath off the family room.

#10 “LEFT-OVER LOUIE” – Louie shows up with an apple pie and a bowl of pickled beets and an armload of Tupperware – if so much as a crumb remains, you can bet he’s packing it up and leaving with it.  Hide any remaining beer – he’s going to need something to wash the crumbs down.

Have you ever had a guest from hell?  Tell me about him/her in the comments.

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