Things That Make Me Want To Delete My Facebook Account

Things That Make Me Want To Delete My Facebook Account

Welcome to ChicagoNow’s Blogapalooz-Hour!  Our challenge tonight is to write a post passionately defending your guilty pleasure

I’ve been logging on to my Facebook Account since 2009.

In the beginning I was addicted.  I enjoyed and appreciated a good status.  Something that made me think.  Something current.

I’m forever grateful to that East Coast Nerd for inventing this fantastic tool to reconnect with old friends-classmates-and neighbors.

Just last week I got together with 25 friends from high school-I’ll bet I hadn’t seen most since the day we graduated–had it not been for the social media sensation-it probably never would have happened.

Facebook has provided many positive opportunities.

But it is also an evil weapon.

Who could pass up the opportunity to stalk that creep from grammar school-the lisping school bully-and find that the years since he popped his last pimple haven’t treated him so kindly.  And the pictures of his offspring-pure gold-those rug rats look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every goddamn branch on the way down.

Ah, karma.

But in the last five years, I’ve got to tell you-Facebook has become a guilty pleasure.

Not necessarily for the stalking points–but for the stuff that grates on my last nerve.

I log on now simply for the shits and giggles.

I’ll tell ya-the things that make a gal want to hit the delete button.

But the stuff that make me want to delete are the very things that keep me coming back-hour after hour–day after day-and so on and so forth.

It’s the shit like this:

Political Rants:  I get it – you’re a liberal.  You hate Sarah Palin and all the rest is Bush’s fault.  I also get that you’re a Republican.  My daily feed reminds me that you “like” Rush Limbaugh.   Want to impress me?  Go vote.  And have four-square confirm that you’ve checked in.

Dead Pet Updates:  Hey, I know Sparky was a valued member of your family for five years.  And God Bless the little guy spending the last three years blind in one eye and not able to see out of the other.  But I refuse to join the prayer group for your goldfish.  But-get a hold of yourself.   RIP-please.

And-speaking of prayers-the status updates from the ER…Really?  If your kid is being rushed to emergency surgery–or having something stitched–I think your time would be better spent tending to the munchkin–not asking me to send positive vibes.  Save the battery on the phone–is the moment really picture worthy?

How’s this for a vibe-log off of Facebook and tend to your kid.  Seriously.

Mother of the Year Status Updates:  Nothing makes me laugh harder than the constant posting of great things the kid did followed by the what a tired/proud/wonderful/awesome “momma” you are obligatory responses by friends.

A status like  “Billy won honorable mention for standing the quietest in the line today” is naturally responded to with a “you must be a proud momma”.

Huh?  Let me know when Billy conquers something–like when he stops eating his boogers–that’s really when the pride should begin.

Spelling Errors:  Autocorrected– my ass…you’re not kidding anyone–you never made it past the first round in any Spelling Bee.

Selfies:  You’re forty-something years old.  Act like it.  I’d love to see a picture of you with your kids-family-anything where you’re having a great time.  Nobody is having a great time when they spend their Friday night in front of the bathroom mirror with their IPhone.  Word.

Vague Posts:  Say what you mean–mean what you say.  The Passive/Aggressive Olympics are tiring.

Quizzes: I don’t care what actress would play you-what kind of meat you would be on a sandwich-what your leprechaun name should be or which Von Trapp member you most resemble.  Based on your the gross misspelling of your daily posts…I’d say you should have taken such pride in spelling quizzes during grammar school.  Just my opinion.

I’m starting to like the Twitter–A person’s thoughts in 140 characters or less.  Simple and to the point.  I know in a couple sentences if there is someone I’d like to follow-or not.

Follow me on the Twitter- @lifelikeiseeit

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