ESPN Should Have Issued A Musburger Apology Like This

ESPN Should Have Issued A Musburger Apology Like This

The 2013 “I-AM-SO-SORRY-PALOOZA” kicked off pretty early this year.

ESPN just issued an apology. On behalf of Brent Musburger.

Apparently viewers last night are feeling a whole lot of butthurt thanks to Brent’s ramblings regarding a certain QB’s GF. As a result, the blogosphere is on a tirade today.

And, thanks to the backlash, ESPN issues a mea culpa.

I’d have more respect for ESPN had they issued a statement more along the lines of this:

To those offended by last night’s ramblings of Brent Musburger…

Step the frick back already.  Sheesh.

What are you people losing your shit over, really? That Mr. Musburger was commenting on what was on the screen in front of him?

Sure, we could apologize for him.  We refuse.

If we did we would also have to also issue a request of forgiveness for the show’s director and the camera crew that zoomed in on the little lady whenever things on the field got boring.

Not our fault that happened to take place beginning right after the opening drive.

If you’re waiting for us to apologize for that…we here at ESPN respectfully urge you not to hold your breath.

While we kinda really regret you were offended by the ramblings of a 74-year-old ICONIC sportscaster, the chances of us issuing an apology are about as likely as Notre Dame showing up as a viable contender in a national championship game. 

What would you have rather had us focus on, really? The fat-ass Tide fan two rows up chowing down on a couple chili dogs while his heifer of a wife was up to her armpits in a nacho platter?  We’re not going to lie, they were on our radar, but then Katherine Webb came into focus.

And, yeah, there was a group of seven guys with letters spelling DEFENSE painted on their bare chests…but let’s be honest, we were broadcasting from South Frickin’ Beach.   That shit is only cool when the game is in Green Bay and the temp is in the single digits.

Truth of the matter is we, like you, were expecting a real nail-biter last night in terms of a football game.  It didn’t happen and to be honest, we aren’t really sure what happened to the boys from South Bend last night. 

At one point we asked ourselves, “What Would Jesus Do?  Although we are still awaiting confirmation, we are fairly certain that even Touchdown Jesus became a Tide fan four minutes into the first quarter and was begging for the focus to pan away from the massacre on the field.

And so, we worked with what we had.  We focused on the star QB’s girlfriend.

Hey, maybe if Golson would have completed a couple passes in a row we may have panned the camera toward his cheering section.  We are more than confident that Everett isn’t as unlucky with ladies as he is with a sucessful scoring drive on the biggest goddamn night of his life.

So what.  We zeroed in on Miss Alabama.

Yes.  Miss Frickin’ Alabama.  Have you ever watched Miss Congeniality?  Apparently pretty ladies parade around in bathing suits, juggle, and sing out of tune in the hopes of winning a crown, sash and a scholarship.  We highly doubt her panties are in a pinch regarding a little “exposure” on national tv.

Seems to us the former Miss Alabama should be more worried about another creep coming out of the woodwork.  Musburger’s mumblings are nothing compared to the potential leers of that creep Trump.  We hear after checking out last night’s coverage he wants to hire her for his pageant. 

Okay.  We might be a little bit sorry for that.

But we refuse…do you hear us, we refuse to apologize for sensationalizing a beautiful lady all in the name of ratings.  That game was a goddamn snooze-fest.  Trust us when we say half of America was reaching for the remote at the mid way point of the first quarter.

We did what we had to do and are not ashamed.  At all.

You didn’t hear ABC coming out asking for forgiveness for parading around 20 bimbos baring their assets in hopes of scoring a rose, did you?

Talk about demeaning a woman. 

You never hear MTV issuing statements of sorrow for taking 60 minutes of your time that can never be replaced each and every time they air an episode of Snooki and the gang, do you?

And, if you think long and hard about it, E! should offer a daily plea for mercy based on the klusterfuck of a krap family they offer as entertainment on an hourly basis.

If we are being honest, the game itself was shittier than Al Roeker’s underpants following a heavy White House meal.  And that is pretty shitty.

So we panned in on a pretty fan.  Get over it.

You should be thanking us.  We gave you a gift.

Good God, seriously, were you planning on discussing the fantastic game you witnessed at the water cooler today?

Nope, we stand by Brent Musburger’s original statement.  “That lady is stunning.”  And, we too, believe little boys all over the country should start practicing their pigskin passing skills.  We refuse to apologize for A.J. McCarron waking up as the luckiest guy in America this morning.

So suck it NCAA Football Fans, suck it hard.

Your Friends at ESPN


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