Archive for December 2012

Handmade Gifts For Your Parents: You Know You Grew Up In The Seventies if These Were Under The Tree

Nothing said Happy Holidays better than a clay ashtray did in the seventies.  Light 'em up and smoke 'em if you got ' is an ash tray lovingly kneaded by your first grader.  God Bless Us Everyone.
Yes, Virginia…there is a Santa Claus…and long before The Oriental Trading Company…teachers had pretty impressive imaginations. For the donation of a buck (to cover the cost of supplies), little elves spent the last week before Christmas Vacation working their fingers to the bone in order to provide the perfect gift for the parents. Way back... Read more »

A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper

A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper
Dear Princess Puker Kate: While I hope this letter finds you on the mend, I must tell you I write  sincerely when I offer you some words of wisdom following your recent run-in with the morning sickness. Suck it up, Sister. Seriously, I am beginning to think this regal gestation is going to last longer than Simpson’s and... Read more »

Christmas RSVPs: A Menagerie of Merry Morons Who Need Not Reply

Leftover Louie ~ ah, Leftover Louie is such a stroke.  Last Christmas Louie and his family signed up to bring a dozen cupcakes, one pumpkin pie, a 9x13 pan of green bean casserole, and a stick of butter.  As soon as the last person cleared the dessert buffet line, Louie and his brought-from-home box of ziplocks sprung into action.  You watched in horror as Louie bagged up every last crumb of whatever his family contributed to the meal (including the eighth-a-stick of leftover butter) and ran like lightning to secure them in the trunk of his car for safe keeping.  So, it came as no surprise this past Thanksgiving when you were asked to contribute five pounds of mashed potatoes to the family feast over at Louie's place.  As you were getting ready to leave, Louie handed you a bag heavy enough to make you think you had the makings for a pretty sweet turkey sandwich with all the trimmings to take back to your crib.  And, sure enough...later that evening...after your turkey-induced your mouth watered thinking about the turkey goodness, you made your way to the fridge and opened the bag.  And then as you took the all too familiar looking container out, you slammed it on the counter as you shouted, "THAT MOTH-ER FUCK-ER".  THAT motherfucker indeed.  Leftover Louie sent you home with the remaining four pounds of your mashed potato offering.  It could be worse.  You could be your sister opening a half gallon of gravy and a ziploc bag containing exactly two-and-a-half croissants right about now.
The holidays are here along with all the weirdos that seem to participate.  Just when you think the freak flags that fly at your annual family gathering are exclusive to your gene pool…think again.  The names and faces may be different, but don’t fool yourself.  Their stories and the freakiness that follows are all the same.  ... Read more »