DWTS Season 14: First Week Thoughts and Observations

DWTS Season 14: First Week Thoughts and Observations

Dancing with the Stars premiered last Monday to rave reviews.

Especially if you take what Bergeron and the three experts at the judges’ table say seriously.

If you believe what America thinks, you only have to look as far as Yahoo to find while the dancing was good, ratings were bad.  And by bad, I mean down 34%.

If you did not tune in last Monday, be sure to put the dial on ABC tonight.

I watch every season and have never seen a cast with such potential out of the gate.

Imma hate to see many of these dancers go home…well except for Gilbert…

Why?  Well, because she’s an asshat.

During the first week, I like to take advantage of no result show to check out the competition and give ’em all names.

Like Gilbert.  From this episode forward we’ll call her Asshat.

Get It?


The night started off with Maria Menounos, who will from this point forward be known as Giggles

The self-proclaimed “dude with boobs” lucked out this season…here is something she can laugh at…the irony she’s partnered with the “Priss packing a Pecker”.


Oh, Good Lord…if she and the laugh make it far into the competition I may gouge my eyes out. 

Next up…the barely recognizable…Jack Wagner.

Yeah, that IS Frisco.  Yep, THE ex-Mr. Locklear.

I agree…the dude looks like a lady.

Luckily, his partner~the Russian Babe~is recognizable. 

Each and every season she choreographs dorky routines and hams it up to the cameras with her goofy-overly-dramatic facial expressions…so dramatic in fact they almost become dance moves themselves.

I don’t care how good the judges think Wagner’s lines are,  Anna needs to show some skin and dump the “Mary-Janes” if the former soap star wants to make it past week three…that synchronized leg-bit on the picnic blanket was just…well, just not good.

Speaking of legs…how about the bird legs on Donald Driver?

He may have the legs of a chicken…but he’s got the rhythm of a dancer.

Definitely potential…NFL stars usually go pretty far on DWTS.

I think he would have gone farther with a better-known partner…say with Cheryl or Kym.  Not to say the gal he is dancing with isn’t good…but I don’t remember her name…and I haven’t the time to Google it now…see what I mean. 


Being well-known will definitely keep you around longer…take Sherri Shepherd.

Not gonna lie…I do not like her.  Yeah–she was great as Robert’s partner over on Everybody Loves Raymond.

My dislike began when she claimed the Earth was flat while hanging with the hens over on The View.

Thanks to the magic of a daily talk show to yap about her day-to-day experiences with DWTS…I fear Shepherd may be around for some time.

Now, I’ve got to say Bubbles has some moves…but if Maks’ “handsomer” hotter brother thinks he can find Sherri’s elegance he is in for a disappointment.

The gal that licks the dripping food juices off her forearms during cooking segments over at The View wouldn’t know what elegance was if it fell off the dance-floor-ceiling and hit her in the noggin.

Bad manners aside, she impressed me.  Not sure what I was expecting, but her first dance was pretty good.

And, let’s be honest…take those ahem, melons, add a pair of “big-girl-shoes” and the theory of gravity…and the fact she was still standing seconds into the routine…well, she should have scored all tens on that fete alone.

Then she started thanking Jesus.

And that brought me right back to the opinion I started with.

And on the opposite end of the personality spectrum comes Gavin DeGraw…Fedora Frank.

How cool is it that Smirnoff’s partner this season comes with a built-in prop.

Pretty damn cool…trust me they are going to need it.

And, then there is the obligatory Disney Star of the season…Roshon Fegan.

Hip Hop Harry brings some skills to the table…none of which are ballroom dancing skills…but neither did that Cheetah Girl from all those seasons ago…and remember how that turned out.

I see the same thing in the cards for H Cubed.

Just when it looks like he is going to be a real contender, the rug will be ripped out from under his “light-on-the-floor-feet” when he’ll be sent packing thanks to the popular vote of someone less talented.

Like…like The Asshat.

The other almost unrecognizable star. Me thinks she and Wagner’s new mugs are the handiwork of the same butcher surgeon.

Gilbert was on my last nerve before her bony-ass stepped onto the dance floor.

Listening to her whine during the interview package about her two ex-husbands (lucky bastards) and the broken back had me thinking this:

We’ve got our Jennifer Grey of Season 14.

Shoot me now.

We’ve also got our first victim transported by ambulance from “the most shocking DWTS episode ever”.

The result show that follows will star our Asshat answering the most difficult question of the season thus far: should she medicate or suffer through the pain?

Producers will insist on a Vicodin script and enjoy the tabloid-fueled ratings bonanza.

Thanks to the ho-hum cast this season, I’m afraid they are going to have to insist upon it.

I also predict plenty of attitude from Half-Pint as well. Even Maks doesn’t deserve this.

Speaking of Dance Pros that don’t deserve things…let’s talk Tony D…I would think Tony would have gotten a promotion to the Judges’ Table following the season he had to endure Kate Minus her Eight.

This season he is hindered with Ms. Martina ManHands and her two left feet…housed in sensible shoes.

The writing is on the wall.

Equally( but not understandably) stiff is Gladys Knight of the Pips fame.

Sure, the judges talked a good game, but she is in the same category as the Senior Citizens she follows in the dance steps of…

Just like Mrs. Brady and Cloris Leachman, she’ll stick around to be a spoiler but not long enough to be a contender.

Same goes for Burke and her “Latin Lover”.

William Levy will hang out as long as ABC sees fit for he and America to become acquainted with each other.

And then, they will start teasing the Fall Pilot he will no-doubt headline ala Giles Marini from Brothers and Sisters fame.

Any bets on when the Opera Singer’s Partner–you know–Corky’s Kid and “band mate” of the Priss with the Pecker breaks out his glitter socks?

Hopefully it is sooner rather than later.

That Katherine Jenkins can dance, but she is an unknown to the voting audience.

That spells an early doom.

Remember folks, this is a popularity contest.

Which brings me to “the pick” of the season.

I give an early nod to Urkel.

He’s going to win it all.

Last week, the judges compared him to Gregory Hynes.

That’s an understatement.

In addition to being a pretty good dancer, he was one hell of an underrated actor.

Nothing like the geek he played in Family Matters, Jaleel White is a cool customer.

Just my two cents.

Who do you pick to win it all?

Leave a comment