November 17 has come and gone.
Apparently yesterday was National “De-Friending” Day on Facebook.
If you find yourself a bit lighter in the “friends” column today, sorry Charlie, you have only the reflection in the mirror to blame.
Hate to be the one to break it to you, pal. You’re (or do you say your) a clown. It had to be done.
Me? I did not de-friend anyone.
I am perfectly content with my 157 Facebook pals.
Well, maybe 154 of them. The other three? Well I consider them a bonus prize.
I consider myself like the guy above…their presence on my Facebook feed are merely the stuff shits and giggles are made of.
And so today I am here to provide a service.
Sure I could offer you suggestions to maintain your Facebook Associates.
Chances are you might be too self-absorbed to take all that in.
So, instead, I shall merely offer you a list of possible reasons you were dumped by people you probably would have never come in contact with and subsequently offended at least until the 30th reunion all thanks to the handy little invention of Facebook.
And, chances are you are too self-absorbed to fully wrap your head around those either.
But it is a much funnier route to travel.
I’m a giver that way.
10. Needy Posts
i.e. “I need prayers people right now!!!!!!!!!!!! (extra punctuation isn’t gaining you any extra sympathy points, by the way) or “I thought I knew SOME people…guess not” and of course the “Ugg”.
Don’t do that…makes some people want to de-friend a bitch. Makes me want to puke.
9. A Status that requires validation regarding your “Mother Of The Year Standing”
This includes but is not limited to endless nonsense regarding conversations with your kids’ teachers who tell you “you’re doing the best job, ever”, the bestest neighbors, ever…you know the ones, the folks you mention that often ask you “how do you do it all?”, and your kids’ pediatrician who always reminds you at check-up time that “you are the best mommy, ever”.
Guess what? Not everyone cares if you are the best thing since sliced bread with your “girlie-girl” and “lil man”.
Most of your former Facebook friends are too busy dealing with their own little heathens at home who unlike your angelic darlings are major pains-in-the-ass.
Save us the sappy responses that follow on our newsfeed, will ya? We get it. You’re fanflippingtastic.
8. The updated profile pics taken in your bathroom.
Seriously. Stop. It. And, while you’re at it, quit making the silly duck lips.
Sure, they could pass as “cool” I guess if you were twelve or thirteen.
But you are forty-five for chrissakes.
Get a grip, lady. And get a sponge, and a bucket and some cleaning solution.
While you’ve been busy snapping bathroom mirror close-ups and furiously downloading you craft on-line, you’ve let the cleaning duties go.
I can see the reflection of dust and dirt in the mirror.
Clean it up, girl. Clean it up.
7. Invitations to get to know Jesus
Suggestions of inspirational quotes, bible verses, invites to worship at the newest
cult church you found, and daily affirmations aren’t going to get this guilty catholic any closer to your Lord and Savior.
Trust me, Jesus knows who I am.
And, I can assure you, he is not happy.
6. Vague Postings …
Quit posting sad crap that requires someone to ask for an explanation. And when someone does, you respond with the obligatory “I don’t want to talk about it, it is personal.”
Yep, that means you, friend who is guilty of a weekly post re: “my life cannot get any worse”.
Wanna bet? You could be me on the receiving end of your pathetic status updates.
5. You Are A Bragger
Over-the-top posts about your fantastic marriage, athletically talented and top honor roll listed children, bestest job and co-workers in the world, and delightful mother-in-law tell me one thing.
4. Postings and Pictures about activities not all of your facebook pals were invited to…
Here is an honest to goodness posting of a friend a few months back…
“To those peeps that I emailed regarding Sept 17th… I need to know ASAP who IS coming. Please let me know by Thursday the latest. Hope to see you there. If I didn’t invite you and would like to come, message me for details.”
Seriously?? Who is going to respond to that?
Probably the person who wrote it…but she’ll never get that opportunity because I can’t imagine anyone else having the danglers to write such a message.
This friend is a bonus gift as she comes without a filter. Bingo-bango-bongo when it comes to over-the-top hourly status updates. Bing-the-flip-O.
3. Daily postings regarding health issues…
Your friends do not care about your female issues…newsflash: you’d be better served showing the doc that mole than my untrained eye…your kids aren’t so much sickly as you are a hypochondriac…and hourly requests for prayers for your 17-year-old blind cat are falling on deaf ears. Do you seriously think Fluffy is going to hang around forever?
And, while you’re at it, quit posting pictures from the ER. Your time would be better spent tending to your sick kid.
We get it…you’ve got problems. Sadly, more than you give yourself credit for.
2. Stating the Obvious
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. It is cold outside. It is windy. And there is snow. It is winter. Traffic is certainly heavy during rush hour. We know the kiddos are home from school…it is Christmas Eve. Yeah, I know the economy sucks. And, thanks for letting me know your home smells of pumpkin and turkey on Thanksgiving.
Thanks again for the newsflash~it is much appreciated, Captain Obvious.
1. Maybe — just maybe — it is your god-awful spelling and grammar habits.
Some people are offended by the misspellings and lack of punctuation that makes a sentence mean something else.
I admit I used to be one of these people.
Then, I came up with a theory.
The more degrees one has attained (click on their info tab–they readily offer all the 411 in this department) the more guilty they are in the “I-couldn’t-spell-a-simple-word-to-save-my-life” department.
And this makes me laugh. Hardy-har-har-har.
And scratch my head. How did one write a thesis for their doctorate studies without a grasp of the English language…and more importantly do so at THAT University??
Another honest to goodness posting from a “Facebook Friend” with not one master’s degree, but two:
“Big intervue tomorrow. Hope my skills are still in tack.”
Nope, not a chance I’m de-friending this gift.
Not a chance.